My twins will be having their B’nai Mitzvah – that’s a Bar/Bat Mitzvah for two – just over a year from now. But this being NY, and me being neurotic, I’ve already started planning.
Oy.
For those of you who have never seen a NY based sitcom, or a Woody Allen movie, or the Bar mitzvah episodes of everything from South Park to the Dick Van Dyke Show, to Entourage – someone becomes a Bar Mitzvah (for boys) or a Bat Mitzvah (for girls) when they are old enough to read from the Torah. For generations, all that happened when someone became a Bar Mitzvah was that they got to…read from the Torah. Then all the men (because technically, for religious Jews, only men can read from the Torah) shook the kid’s hand, maybe they had a bissel whitefish salad added to that week’s kiddush, and that was that.
Those days are GONE.
These days, Bar Mitzvah has become synonymous with “giant over-the-top party.” A friend of mine saw Earth Wind and Fire at a Bar Mitzvah. Jerry Seinfeld has performed at a few. So has Usher. There are Bar Mitzvahs with Circus Themes, complete with acrobats and tightrope walkers. (Maybe they don’t see the irony: their Bar Mitzvah is a circus.) Some kids have casino parties – with craps tables, and roulette wheels. (Perhaps they’re celebrating how little they care about throwing money away?) The video montage featuring the child in costume and shot with multiple cameras is de rigeur, as are the go-go-dancers who gyrate around a Bar Mitzvah boy lasciviously – giving coming of age a whole new meaning.
Can I get another Oy?
I’m not saying that my kids, who by the time they have their B’nai Mitzvah celebration will have spent 7 years in after school religious classes, put in countless hours learning Hebrew and how to chant their Torah Portion, and devoted significant time to community service, don’t deserve a party. They do. But the party can’t be the focus. It can be a goal, or a reward. But if the main thing you talk about when discussing your kid’s Bar Mitzvah is your theme, your DJ and the caterer – then that’s what your kid will remember about it too. Not the learning, not the achievement, not the fact that by reading from the Torah they are participating in a ritual that dates back to the time of Moses.
I want my kids to remember their party as fun, and exciting. But I want them to remember their B’nai Mitzvah as a process of learning who they are, learning where they come from, and deciding to what degree Judaism is going to have a place in their lives.
But the fact remains: I still have to plan a party. And the fact remains that if everyone else is doing over the top crazy parties, while there is certain to be a degree of Bar Mitzvah fatigue among the 7th graders of their school, a low key, non-showy party is going to seem…lame. And I don’t want my kids’ party to be lame.
So how do I do that? How do I plan a fun, low-key party that isn’t a dud?
I thought of bowling – but here in NY, that means a fancy hipster place like Bowlmor Lanes, or a slick, nightclubby looking Lucky Strike. Ping pong parties can be fun. But the place that does them in NY, SPiN, is owned by Susan Sarandon, and has a definite cooler than thou vibe. We could leave the city, but that entails transporting all of the kids. (We have to invite the entire grade — 60 kids). I suggested a cooking party: shot down. I suggested a scavenger hunt. No all around. A murder mystery evening. Nope. I even found someone called The Adventure Rabbi, who takes your family mountain climbing and then performs the ceremony – with everyone in shorts and climbing gear – right on top of the mountain. Yeah, right. We’re NYers, not mountain climbers. Physical activity in this city is raising your arm for a cab.
So I’ve been feeling kind of stuck.
But then yesterday, my daughter made a suggestion: “why don’t we do our community service with underprivileged kids, and then, as our B’nai Mitzvah party, throw them a carnival?” My son, miraculously, even sort of, kind of, thought it could be fun. We could have a circus theme, he suggested. Pop Corn, Cotton Candy, games.
So it looks like my B’Nai Mitzvah party might end up being a circus after all. And I’m totally OK with that.
Because if my kids can think of that idea can even consider turning their party into a charitable event, then they know what matters.
Bring on the clowns.
Love this, having been through it. You should feel very proud.
I am. But for the record – just because they thought of it, doesn’t mean they’re really going to want to do it! Still, even thinking of it shows something good, right? So far, I’ve called two Children’s Organizations in NYC – both have turned us down!
Awww Nancy this is so touching! What sweet kids.
Always knew those kids are great! Granna
Just. so. cool.
Am reading the Gods & Kings series about the life of King Hezekiah to my almost 13yo son. He is loving it!!
OY! Funny to see Adventure Rabbi referenced. She is in my neighborhood and definitely a big stretch for New Yorkers.
Sounds awesome to me. I still remember your Bar Mitzvah and the games the DJ played…and the Gunne Saxe dress I wore!!!
oops your Bat Mitzvah!
Love that idea. A circus or carnival! We’ve had 3 b’nai mitzvah (2 together) and lived through them… no fancy parties. One was a bowling party at a kitchy place – kids only – and a catered luncheon at temple for the full guest list after the service. The other was paintball for the kids the day after – and a catered lunch for all after the service. Both were tied to community service – one collected nearly 4,000 books to start a library for kids at the homeless shelter and the other two raised money for dinnergarden.org (very cool org!). We tied our luncheons to the nonprofits. For our family, it was the perfect balance.
I don’t know you — but I think you’re my new hero.
I also think our idea is not gonna happen. But maybe some variation on that theme. Every place I’ve called has turned me down flat.
That. Is. Awesome. Score one for good parenting!
Even when one intends to put the learning and the hard work first, the reality hits that reservations must be made, caterers must be booked. So many decisions, so much discussion all while you are nagging your child. again. to practice his portion and write the damn d’var already. (Was that just us?)
I feel your pain. My son’s Bar-Mitzvah is next year and it is making me absolutely meshugah.
My friend volunteer’s with the Children’s Aid Society, I’ll ask her. I think your children’s idea is fantastic.
I think I just fell in love with your kids, Nancy. I LOVE your daughter’s suggestion. Can’t wait to follow the planning. Also? Totally sharing this on our temple’s FB page. It’s just that awesome.
An Adventure Rabbi? Going to talk to my Rabbi tonight about that!
Thanks, Julie. I’ve gotten so many suggestions from so many people from this — both on and off line. I think I’ll have to write more posts about how it all pans out.
Of course it still might not happen. They may decided they NEEEEEED a DJ. But I’m holding on to the fact that they thought of it. That’s something.
That is SO great. Can I borrow your kids?
Of course. $15 an hour. I mean – you pay me. (Ha!) But they will make great babysitters pretty soon!
Breathe. Most of our family is out of town, so we went up to a Wisconsin resort near a Jewish camp and had a “Bat Mitzvah Shabbaton”. for 4th of July weekend, no matter when the event was at shul. The kids did not invite their friends (we did this twice, for daughter #1 and son. Daughter#2 wanted the party, so we did an afternoon dj thing at the synagogue with ice cream sundaes and pizza…wasn’t nearly as much fun as her siblings’) The weekend was casual, we had services that everyone sort of took part in, and everyone got to hang with everyone. It was heaven. Just to say, each kid learned a different Torah portion for that summer event. For the social part, older daughter was at a Schechter and joint parties were big – she had a party with 9 other kids, costs split 10 ways, at a place we never would have booked…dj, lots of fun, give aways, but split 10 ways (did I mention that) and it was basically a joint birthday party for the entire grade. Be creative, be firm, and be open to new ideas. But be sure about the point of this whole thing. One friend, when asked by a “planner” what the theme was, he said, “um, religious rite of passage?” He didn’t use that planner. And Mazal Tov, a little early.
I don’t know where you live…but it sounds like an amazing community. I remember when my kids were in Pre-K, I suggested that the 6 kids who had birthdays in April have one big party. People looked at me like I was insane. They wanted to have their 4 year olds’ parties at a club, where waiters served passed hors d’oevres and champagne for the adults, and served the kids made-on-demand omelets, and grilled chicken paillards. And I’m not kidding. At one party — in Manhattan — for a four year old — with a Shrek theme, there was a magician, spin art, sand art, cocktails and mocktails, and a Donkey (a REAL donkey) with Shrek and Princess Fiona.
I think I want to live where you live.
I have to admit that you’re scaring me as I can’t get my head around the fact that my kids will soon to be entering this phase. But I hope that they are like your altruistic kids but I doubt that they will be.
I totally sympathize. We were talking about our daughter’s bat mitzvah just this morning. I’ve started pinning ideas on Pinterest and I’m going on faith that somehow it will magically all turn itself into a fabulous, affordable party.
How awesome! Congrats to you mom for raising such wonderful giving children
I can honestly say, whatever type of party you throw, IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.
It’s times like that, where you know you’re doing a good job.
Way to go Nancy and Alan. Way to go.