So, 2015 is the year I turn fifty. Which means it’s also the year I do my damnedest not to LOOK like I’m turning 50. Luckily, I’m a blogger, and there are any number of companies willing to exploit my hysteria over the big five-oh, by offering me youth enhancing services to try. From cures for female pattern baldness, to fixes for flabby vaginas, it’s been an interesting several weeks in my little, aging, blogosphere.
1. VIORA – it’s not every work-day someone shows me close up before and after pictures of a rejuvenated vagina. Yes, you read that right, at a blogger event I attended just before Christmas, a very lovely and vivacious PR exec whipped out her phone to show me photos of necks treated with Viora, love handles treated with Viora, and yes, vaginas, rejuvenated by Viora. Let’s ignore for a moment that these photos — these CLOSE UP photos, were on this woman’s phone (Viora? Get her a raise, pronto! That’s dedication!) and instead focus on the fact that the results — in every case – were ASTOUNDING. Now, to be clear, she did NOT offer to rejuvenate my nether regions. She was offering me the service on my thighs or my oh so crepe-y neck, and simply showing me the possibilities on other parts. But still. It was kind of a shock that we went from businesslike introductions to extreme vaginal close-ups in a matter of moments. I could have used a warning.
In any case, the photos were impressive. The necks were tighter, the flabby mid sections were slimmer looking, and the vaginas — well, let’s just say it wasn’t heartening to know what could be in store for mine 10 or fifteen years hence.
About Viora: Viora works by deploying heat using multiple Radio Frequencies in 3 different treatment modes that target different tissue depths, from superficial layers of the skin to the hypodermis. The 4th mode – multichannel mode – creates a stronger, more accurately distributed thermal response that travels through all skin layers.
Whatever. It doesn’t hurt, it’s relatively quick, there’s no down time, and Dr. Doris Day (yes, that’s her given name), dermatologist to the stars, who was there and full of (free!) advice, stands by it for her own patients.
My free (full disclosure) sample session at the super swanky (and surpising friendly) Julien Farel Salon and Spa, was impressive, too. The truly pain-free process left me ever-so-slightly red for about 15 minutes, but that was it. It also left my jowls (the esthetician informed me that I really needed to take care of my jowls, before tackling my crepe-y neck. Which was also a surprise — I hadn’t known I had jowls.) anyway – it left my jowls, well, less jowly. And I got a little neck tightening in the process. (lift the jaw, lift the neck.) I had been warned that while I might see immediate results, they wouldn’t last from just one session — you need 4-6. And that was true. Within a few hours, the tightening was gone. But I saw the possibilities…and I’m hooked.
Viora treatments aren’t cheap, but guess what I’m getting myself for the new year? Less jowls and a tighter neck. As Dr. Doris Day says, Getting Older is inevitable. Aging is Optional.
And you’ll be happy to know, for the forseeable future, I’m leaving my vagina just the way it is. If for no other reason than I hate to think of myself on that woman’s speed dial.
2. Colgate Optic White – Nothing says old hag like yellowing teeth. Well, maybe a warty nose and a poisonous apple says it, too. But, luckily, I have neither of those. My teeth, however, were starting to look less than pearly white. Like every other aging thing on my body, they’ve kind of lost their luster — literally.
In just three days, the Colgate
Optic White Toothbrush and whitening pen changed all that. Noticeably whiter teeth in three days….really. And what I don’t get, is that I didn’t get the pain I’ve had in the past when using whitening products. Nothing. Nada.
The Optic White system also comes with whitening toothpaste — which I’ve been using to maintain my new pearlies, and an Optic White whitening mouthwash. I HIGHLY recommend it.
3. Women’s Rogaine: I’ve already written about this one — you can see the post here. But my point in bringing it up is, from my hair, to my teeth to my (evidently not what they used to be) nether regions, the blogosphere is doing it’s best to make sure my fiftieth year leaves me looking younger, and not older.
If I have to look at before and after pics of some 60-something year old woman’s hoo-ha to get there, well, that’s just fine with me.