Fifty Signs I’m Turning 50 this Year

50 post imageThe New Year is upon us once again.  And while you may think of it as 2015, I think of it as “the Year I’m going to turn 50.” Fifty!! How did that happen?  Well, it took about fifty years.  Luckily, with centenarians the fastest growing age group in the US, I can still call myself middle aged.  But I can’t help but be obsessed with my upcoming “special day.”   Especially since there are so many daily reminders of my rapidly increasing age.

Herewith, 50 signs I’m turning 50 in 2015:

  1. I feel bad about my neck.
  2. I’m seriously considering doing something about feeling bad about my neck. (Viora, here I come.)
  3. I don’t know any of the Grammy nominees.
  4. The clothing in Chicos is starting to look not so bad.
  5. My son is taller than I am.
  6. When I talk about fun things that happened, they always happened at least 25 years ago.
  7. I no longer care if I leave the house looking a mess.
  8. No matter how hard I try, I leave the house looking a mess.
  9. I refer to people in their thirties as “kids.”
  10. I’ve turned into that person people see at the gym and think “good for her!”
  11. I’m invisible to any man under the age of 77.
  12. If I’ve met you in the last five years, unless I see you every day, chances are I don’t remember your name.
  13.  When I have to input my date of birth on a website, I have to scroll WAAAAY down.
  14. Last week, I dropped a glove.  When a man of a certain age brought it to the building, he told the doorman “the girl with a dog who just walked in here just dropped this.”  My doorman said – “There’s no girl with a dog here.” And then five minutes later, when I went downstairs to ask him if I’d dropped my glove, he TOLD me that story, because, you know, it’s just so INSANE that anyone would refer to me as a girl.
  15. No one IDs me….ever.
  16. Nothing in fashion magazines looks “appropriate” for me anymore.
  17. My belly button is frowning.
  18. My thighs are none too happy, either.
  19. I wore the latest fashionable retro looks the first time around.
  20. In Yoga class, I’m perfectly happy to stand in the front.  I know nobody’s looking at me, anyway.
  21. The Frye boots I still have from my High School days are now vintage.
  22. Every movie star is younger than I am.
  23. If a movie star isn’t younger than I am, she only stars in movies where she wears turtlenecks and plays the love interest to either a wizened looking Michael Douglas or a puffy looking Alec Baldwin, all while cracking jokes about feeling bad about her neck.
  24. When I go swimming I can no longer tell if I’ve been in the pool too long by checking to see if my fingers are wrinkly.  My fingers are always wrinkly.
  25. I still think Leif Garret is hot.
  26. I’m kind of looking forward to menopause.
  27. I’m going to have to have my first colonoscopy this year.
  28. I think anyone born any time after 1977 is a baby.
  29. I think Brazilian waxes are creepy, not normal.
  30. My orthodontia was performed at a time before every single person got perfectly even, perfectly straight, Martha Rae denture-perfect teeth.
  31. I make references to old time stars like Martha Rae.
  32. I remember getting my first color TV
  33. I didn’t own a cell phone until I was 35.
  34. I remember when the only channels were 2,4, 5, 7, 9,  11 & 13.  And for the record, there really wasn’t much less on TV than there is now.
  35. When I was a kid, Bruce Jenner was a hero, not a punchline.
  36. Reading glasses.
  37. The AARP sends me membership invitations every damn day.
  38. Errant chin hairs.
  39. I eat less, but weigh more
  40.  I think restaurants are too loud.  Always.  Even the diners.
  41. Kids get up on the bus to give me a seat.
  42. When skiing, I think the bunny trails are perfect.  Just perfect.  I feel no need to push myself — I might break a hip.
  43. When I ask waiters for recommendations, they start their answer by saying, “Well, my mom always likes…”
  44. My first kiss was 39 years ago.
  45. If I have more than one glass of red wine with dinner, I pay for it the next day.
  46. And the day after that.
  47. I count going for a walk as exercise.
  48. I’m the oldest person at every work event I attend. Every. Single. One.
  49. Those PBS specials with the oldies bands feature my favorite bands, and not my parents’.
  50. Every day, I care less and less what other people think of me.

Comments

  1. says

    I love this and might have to steal for turning 44 this year. Only because I won’t remember if I try to wait until I’m also turning 50 – not because it’s far off, but because I can’t remember anything anymore.

  2. says

    I just had to say how much I loved this post. Each and every item on your list feels perfect. I’m about to turn 40 (don’t kick me) and found the concept of “signs of aging” so very relatable.

    • nancyjrab says

      Thanks so much. To be honest, that’s what I’m going for in every humor piece I write — not just to make you laugh, but to find that little bit of truth that hits you. so THANK you for this comment!

  3. Annie Todd says

    Oh my god yes….the neck!!
    It’s so true :(. ….thanks for sharing. I’m embracing 50, despite the flipping neck

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