A Long Ago Mothers Day

As I write this, Mothers’  Day (Mothers? Mother’s? I never know) is, thankfully, almost over. I hate Mothers’ Day.

It’s not that I don’t think mothers matter or  that I don’t like being given breakfast in bed, or beautiful gifts (Missoni from Loehmann’s!), or handmade cards that really mean something.  I like all of that. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my own mother. Hey, my mother went back to grad school in her early 50′s, got a Masters in Fine Arts, and has since written four books, two libretti, and won two major literary prizes…one of them a Guggenheim. And she still rocks a creative, hip look. I appreciate her plenty.

My daughter pointed out that I shouldn’t mind Mothers Day – after all, she said, it doesn’t mean you’re getting older.  True. And yet I still hate Mothers’ Day. Let me count the ways:

1. When your child whines on a normal day, it’s annoying.  When she whines on Mothers’ Day, it’s a personal affront.

2. This year, people spent $18.6 billion on Mother’s Day. That’s kind of horrifying.  I mean, it’s great for the florists, and bakers and card shops.  Bully for them. But $18.6 billion? That’s more than the gross national product of lots of small (and not so small) countries.  That money could change public education as we know it. Feed the hungry. Clothe people. Provide health care for thousands upon thousands.  Instead it was spent on greeting cards? Ugh.

3. The dog does not know it’s Mothers’ Day.  Today, he had a particularly barky day.  Which was annoying. It’s supposed to be my special day. He is not supposed to bark all day at nothing.

4. There is too much emphasis on EATING on Mother’s Day.  I have spent the last few weeks drinking Isogenix shakes in a not all that successful effort to lose some weight.  This holiday is all about eating.  Breakfast in bed.  Lunch with my Mother In Law.  Dinner with my mother.  Three weeks of shake-drinking, eradicated by one bogus holiday.

5. I miss my friend.  This Fall, I lost a close friend to Ovarian cancer.  And all I can do is think about her husband and son today.  How this holiday, dreamed up more than 100 years ago to help mothers of sons on either side of the Civil War come together, has become a giant merchandising machine. A machine that makes the holiday inescapable, and must have made their day hell.

It’s selfish, I know, to hate a holiday that celebrates all Moms just because my friend’s son will now face all of his Mothers’ Days alone.  But if it’s still so raw for me that I was fighting back tears much of the day…I cannot imagine how it made  my friend’s husband (who is also my good friend) and son feel.  It’s hard to love a day that makes you feel like that.

6. Lastly, I hate Mothers Day because I hate any holiday where if you aren’t incredibly happy, incredibly pampered, perfectly praised by the people you love -  you feel you’ve failed.  I don’t feel all that festive today (see above).  My daughter whined.  My son complained.  Even the dog barked. So now I feel like I’ve failed at Mothers’ Day.  Failed.  At a holiday.

Pathetic.

Ah well.  At least I have a whole year until it comes again.

Style Network logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My name is Nancy, and I’m a fan of Giuliana and Bill on the Style Network.

I’m not a big reality TV fan.  I’ve never seen an episode of Survivor or Big Brother.  I never watched the Bachelorette (though I did watch the first season of The Bachelor.). I do not know the names of any of the Real Housewives of anywhere. I’ve even missed the show my old camp friend, Evan Weinstein, has won seven Emmy Awards producing – The Amazing Race.

This is not to say I don’t ever watch reality TV.  I just like either makeover shows, or reality shows that are truly, irrefutably awful.  That means I watch What Not to Wear, Tabatha Takes Over, and Jerseylicious, the Style network series about a bunch of inane – but lovable -  New Jersey hairdressers.  Mind numbingly bad. I love it.

But when I was on a plane to LA recently, there was a Giuliana and Bill marathon on.  I had seen a few moments of a few episodes here and there, and thought they should have re-named the show Giuliana and that Guy She Married. And I couldn’t understand why anyone cared.  To me Giuliana was a pretty, preternaturally thin b-lister (at best) with an even more preternaturally big head, and Bill was a pretty bland, perfectly nice seeming guy who – aside from the fact that he lives his entire life in front of camera, and won the first Apprentice, seemed generically handsome and kinda boring.

But when you’re trapped on a plane and you’ve finished your book, well, you watch what’s there.  And I watched Giuliana and Bill.  And here’s the thing: I kinda liked them.

Giuliana (she of the teeny body and huge head), is an Entertainment reporter.  Which is to say she had made a career of following the lives of the famous and (mostly) vacuous.  Hard hitting news it ain’t.  But she’s charming and funny and clearly smart.  And driven.  Man, is she driven. She’s also trying to have a baby, and it’s not going well.

Not at first. My first thought was – why on earth would these people go on National television with such a personal part of their lives?  It’s the epitome of  what disturbs me about a lot of reality shows – people are so desperate to be famous that they’ll humiliate themselves, or expose themselves publicly in ways I just don’t want to watch.

Years ago, and for a short time, I worked at A Current Affair (Katchung!), a demoralizing place where we, the media, harassed and exposed unsuspecting people.  I quit because I couldn’t take feeling sleazy all the time.  Next, I went to Donahue (yes, people, I am THAT old).  And that was even more depressing, because the tabloid media is SUPPOSED to be sleazy.  It’s supposed to be gossipy and sensationalist.  But on Donahue, people came to us.  People offered themselves up for humiliation. It was depressing.

So that’s how I was feeling about Giuliana and That Guy From the Apprentice She Married. Until I listened to them.  In addition to their glamorous lives – walking the red carpet!  opening for Bill Clinton!  Hanging with real stars! – they are living an infertility nightmare.  Are they doing it for fame, as part of their show? Maybe. But also to help. Infertility is so private, so difficult, so embarrassing.  And they are putting a human face on it.  They are letting people know they are not alone.

And when things got worse – when they told Giuliana she had breast cancer and she’d need a mastectomy, I figured – well, now she’ll stop the show.  But she didn’t.  She kept on.  And she shared the pain, and fear, and decisions she had to make.  When Bill said some thing like “she had to share this.  Because if just one girl gets a mammogram because of seeing what we’ve gone through, it will all be worth it,” I thought – Wow, this is what reality TV can be: real. Helpful. Important. Who knew?

This is good reality TV: Nice people.  People who clearly, truly, love each other, facing hard times.  It’s courageous.  Heroic, even.  To let millions of people see you at your worst – in the hopes of helping someone else be their best.

Now the couple has announced they are having a baby via surrogate.  Another highly personal life-event that will benefit others to see.  I couldn’t be more happy for them.

So Giuliana and Bill.  Not a guilty pleasure to virtually know you.  Just a pleasure.

Related articles

• Giuliana and Bill Rancic are expecting a baby (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
• Giuliana and Bill Rancic’s Road to Baby! (eonline.com)

These are some of the photos they took.

Pretty awesome, right?

Now you can give your child a lesson with Jess, too.   KidzVuz.com is teaming up with J&R Jr. for a unique, hands-on day of family photography workshops, information sessions and creative learning for kids and their parents and the J&R jr store in downtown Manhattan.

Kids can pre-register for a 45- minute lesson on how to create original, artistic and exciting photos with their own digital cameras.  (Cameras will be provided for those without their own.) They will learn the basics of the menu options, manual settings and composition.  There will be 3 separate hands-on workshops throughout the day and each child will go home with a list of photography tips and a print of one their favorite photos.  (Head on over to Eventbrite to reserve your space.)

But this is a Family Photo Day, so while the kids learn how to take photos like a pro, you can check out the best new cameras, photo printers and accessories from top camera brands such as Nikon, Canon, Sony, HP, and more. The brands will all have representatives there, and we’ll also have J&R’s expert staff (hey, 40 years in the business!) , so you’ll get to see, touch and try the cameras,  and get find out what the differences are between them all.

Parents and kids will leave with photography tips, a photo print of their favorite shot, and special opportunities to purchase a new camera for mom for Mother’s Day at J&R. (deals, deals, deals!  You’ll have to come to know what they are!)

The Family Photography Day is free and open to the public.  But, since space is limited for the workshops to ensure the kids get the attention they deserve,  the workshops are $5.00 each.  You can register your child ages 7 and up (sorry, but younger kids just aren’t ready for the finer points of photography!) by clicking here. Limited space will be available on a walk-in basis.

Springtime in NY – particularly this year, is just GORGEOUS.  Why not teach your kids how to record it for posterity?  Oh, and you might want to suggest they give you a gorgeous picture of themselves for Mother’s Day, too!.

In fact, I like Brazil so much, I’m hoping that, lexicographically speaking, “Brazilian” bikini wax is kind of like “French” Fries. No one really knows why it’s called Brazilian. But I’m guessing it’s more like French Kissing. Anyone who spent her Junior year abroad in Paris knows where that came from.  And it ain’t lexicography. Trust me on that.

What I don’t love, is the Brazilian Bikini Wax.

Remember that episode of Sex and the City where the girls all go to LA and Carrie gets waxed?  She’s surprised by what the waxer leaves her: nada.  nothing. zip.

It’s called a Brazillian, she tells Samantha and Miranda. Out here in LA, everybody’s doing it.

Well, here in NY everybody is, too.  And the other day, not on purpose, I came close.  First of all, ouch. And second of all, I don’t think so. Why am I so opposed? Here goes:

1. I am not a porn star. We all know about the skewed body image girls get when they are surrounded by images of impossibly thin models and ridiculously beautiful movie stars.  It’s bad enough that that’s the standard of beauty we’re supposed to live up to.

Now I’m supposed to aspire to look like a porn star, too?  Because that’s where this lack of pubic hair look comes from. Porn stars have been trimming and shaping “down there” forever.  But until now, “regular” women weren’t.  Now they are.   Really?  Is this what it’s come to?  We have to look like porn stars to be desirable? Yuck.

2. I am not pre-pubescent.  I find it hard to imagine that any mother of a girl anywhere near puberty would wax off all of her own pubic hair.  Because it’s saying that childlike genitals are sexually appealing. Maybe when you don’t have kids, or don’t have a girl, or don’t have a girl nearing that age, you don’t see it that way – but I do have a girl approaching that age.  And that men find that attractive? That has a name: pedophilia. What a sad, shocking, and upsetting thought.

3. It sends a bad message to young girls. What does it say to a child who is already uncomfortable about her changing body that her mother does everything in her power not to have hair exactly where she, the child, is getting it? Thatit’s so bad to have hair “down there” that her mother pays someone to rip the pubic hair off her body?

I’ll tell you what it says: your changing body is horrible.  Your changing body is bad.

Is that really the message we want to send?

There was an uproar recently over an article about Virgin Waxing: the practice of taking young girls to get their bikini lines waxed the moment hair appears.  Ostensibly, it is to prevent overgrowth in the future.  But a lot of women were outraged.  “It tells girls their changing bodies are bad and ugly” they claimed.

Well, where’s the outrage over grown women being sent the same message?  And then sending that same negative message themselves every time they lie on a table, remove their skivvies, spread their legs, and have some stranger slather them with hot wax and rip out every last one of their public hairs by the root?

Look, I’m all for shave and a haircut.  I’m all for a neatly trimmed look.  I don’t want  – to go back to a Sex and the City term – to have “a situation” down there.

But I also don’t want to look like a porn star or like a child.  And I don’t want my daughter to look like that either.  Who would?

Oy.

For those of you who have never seen a NY based sitcom, or a Woody Allen movie, or the Bar mitzvah episodes of everything from South Park to the Dick Van Dyke Show, to Entourage – someone becomes a Bar Mitzvah (for boys) or a Bat Mitzvah (for girls) when they are old enough to read from the Torah.  For generations, all that happened when someone became a Bar Mitzvah was that they got to…read from the Torah.  Then all the men (because technically, for religious Jews, only men can read from the Torah) shook the kid’s hand, maybe they had a bissel whitefish salad added to that week’s kiddush, and that was that.

Those days are GONE.

These days, Bar Mitzvah has become synonymous with “giant over-the-top party.” A friend of mine saw Earth Wind and Fire at a Bar Mitzvah.  Jerry Seinfeld has performed at a few.  So has Usher. There are Bar Mitzvahs with Circus Themes, complete with acrobats and tightrope walkers.  (Maybe they don’t see the irony: their Bar Mitzvah is a circus.)   Some kids have casino parties – with craps tables, and roulette wheels. (Perhaps they’re celebrating how little they care about throwing money away?) The video montage featuring the child in costume and shot with multiple cameras is de rigeur, as are the go-go-dancers who gyrate around a Bar Mitzvah boy lasciviously – giving coming of age a whole new meaning.

Can I get another Oy?

I’m not saying that my kids, who by the time they have their B’nai Mitzvah celebration will have spent 7 years in after school religious classes, put in countless hours learning Hebrew and how to chant their Torah Portion, and devoted significant time to community service, don’t deserve a party.  They do.  But the party can’t be the focus.  It can be a goal, or a reward.  But if the main thing you talk about when discussing your kid’s Bar Mitzvah is your theme, your DJ and the caterer – then that’s what your kid will remember about it too.  Not the learning, not the achievement, not the fact that by reading from the Torah they are participating in a ritual that dates back to the time of Moses.

I want my kids to remember their party as fun, and exciting.  But I want them to remember their B’nai Mitzvah as a process of learning who they are, learning where they come from, and deciding to what degree Judaism is going to have a place in their lives.

But the fact remains: I still have to plan a party.  And the fact remains that if everyone else is doing over the top crazy parties, while there is certain to be a degree of Bar Mitzvah fatigue among the 7th graders of their school, a low key, non-showy party is going to seem…lame.  And I don’t want my kids’ party to be lame.

So how do I do that?  How do I plan a fun, low-key party that isn’t a dud?

I thought of bowling – but here in NY, that means a fancy hipster place like Bowlmor Lanes, or a slick, nightclubby looking Lucky Strike.  Ping pong parties can be fun.  But the place that does them in NY, SPiN, is owned by Susan Sarandon, and has a definite cooler than thou vibe. We could leave the city, but that entails transporting all of the kids. (We have to invite the entire grade — 60 kids).  I suggested a cooking party: shot down.  I suggested a scavenger hunt. No all around.  A murder mystery evening. Nope. I even found someone called The Adventure Rabbi, who takes your family mountain climbing and then performs the ceremony – with everyone in shorts and climbing gear – right on top of the mountain.  Yeah, right. We’re NYers, not mountain climbers.  Physical activity in this city is raising your arm for a cab.

So I’ve been feeling kind of stuck.

But  then yesterday, my daughter made a suggestion:  “why don’t we do our community service with underprivileged kids, and then, as our B’nai Mitzvah party, throw them a carnival?”  My son, miraculously, even sort of, kind of, thought it could be fun.  We could have a circus theme, he suggested. Pop Corn, Cotton Candy, games.

So it looks like my B’Nai Mitzvah party might end up being a circus after all.  And I’m totally OK with that.

Because if my kids can think of that idea can even consider turning their party into a charitable event, then they know what matters.

Bring on the clowns.

Yeah. Me neither.

No one thinks about Hannukah.  No one talks about it or sings about it, or makes claymation shows about it. (although these Yeshiva U. guys did make a great video about it.) And all that lack of attention to Hannukah makes my kids feel like outcasts.

Think about it, there are no songs about Hannukah being the most wonderful time of the year, no movies about mean people becoming nice when they find the Hannukah spirit, no jolly old men (old Jewish men aren’t -  by genetic predisposition -jolly) in bright red suits.  And, of course, no tree. We’ve got a candelabra.   Oooh!

My daughter, especially, complains every year throughout “the holiday season” (who are they kidding?  they mean CHRISTMAS season) that “nobody cares.”  And I can see her point. Every commercial talks about Christmas Shopping, every store window has Christmas decorations, every time you turn around it’s Christmas this and Christmas that.  There’s the token “Happy Hannukah” or the generic and meaningless “Happy Holidays” tossed in there too, but let’s face it: Christmas Rules;  Hannukah drips wax on your table.

The worst of it came earlier this week when my kids and I watched Glee.  Or should I say we watched A Very Special Glee Christmas. Because the entire show featured everyone – even the purportedly Jewish characters, donning green and red and singing Christmas songs.

Glee is my daughter’s favorite show.  She is obsessed.  She loves it.  But this episode made her cry.

Glee’s Christmas Spectacular of an episode made her realize just how out of the popular consciousness Hannukah, and therefore Judaism is.  “Everything is Christmas!” she cried and cried. “No one cares! Nobody cares about Hannukah!”  And so she felt that no one cared about her – in the deepest sense of who she is.

Hannukah is not, truth be told, a particularly significant Jewish Holiday.  It is a historic, rather than religious one.  So it isn’t so much about Hannukah itself, as about NOT being part of Christmas. (And please don’t tell me I should celebrate it because it’s American – not really Christian.  It’s Jesus’ birthday.)

Part of me thinks “She had to find out sometime.”  Living in New York, she thinks that Jews are everywhere.  When my kids were three, and going to a Jewish nursery school, we were trying to cross town on Saint Patrick’s Day.  “Why is it so busy?” asked my son. “Is it Purim?”

Yeah. Purim is why thousands of people descend on the city, get drunk, and throw up here.  Though I guess the getting drunk and puking part kind of does describe Purim.

The point is, at some point, the reality is going to set it: Jews are such a small percentage of the US and World population as to not even be a blip on the consciousness of most Americans.

But another part of me wants her to feel that being Jewish matters. I want her to feel a part of a 5,000+ year old culture and community (and religion, but that’s less my personal focus.) I don’t want her to think of her Jewishness as something that nobody cares about.  Or to be something she doesn’t care about.

So how about this?  When the Glee crowd does their holiday episode next year, Rachel and Puck (well, they’re graduating – but whatever) mention that they don’t happen to celebrate Christmas.  They don’t say things like “best Christmas ever!” They can join in the holiday fun.  They can sing carols for all I care, but at least acknowledge who they are. And not just for comic effect.

Maybe Puck can even sing another Neil Diamond song.

Reader Advisory: If you’re going to be bothered about me bragging about my kid, skip the next few sentences!

This year, my daughter informed me, she doesn’t want any nights of getting – just eight nights of giving.

Can I have an awwww?

Ok, so she probably doesn’t really mean it.  If we really didn’t get her any gifts, I’m sure she’d be plenty upset. But I’m proud of her for having that thought.  I’m proud of my husband and me for planting the seed that turned into that thought. Since this is a post about Hannukah: I’m kvelling.

I don’t expect every kid to feel that way.  (she does have, ahem, a brother) But wouldn’t it be nice to try? Wouldn’t you like to find a way to remind your kids (and yourself) that getting stuff isn’t all there is? Wouldn’t it be great to figure out a meaningful way to give instead of get?

I’ve found a way: generationOn.

For the second year in a row, generationOn and Hasbro are making it easy for your child to give back, learn something, and help make the holidays a little bit brighter for a child in need through the generationOn Holiday Gift Campaign. From now through December 13, every time a child or teen takes the pledge to volunteer at www.generationOn.org, Hasbro will donate a toy through Toys for Tots. They’ve pledged to donate up to 100,000 toys, and wouldn’t it be fabulous if that many kids and teens pledged to volunteer?

Look, I know the holiday season is busy. You have shopping to do. Lists to make. Meals to cook. Long lost relatives to buy gifts for.  But it can also a time to help children learn that sometimes giving….well, it kind of ends up feeling like you’re getting something.

Research shows that the types of gifts children give to others help shape their identities throughout adolescence. For example, family projects that involve giving to those in need can teach kids compassion and empathy in a truly meaningful way.

Motivating kids to give back through volunteering doesn’t have to be a big deal.  Start off with something simple that has the potential to plant that seed of service and volunteering that will grow with them into adulthood. The generationOn Holiday Gift Campaign provides kids and teens with lots of ideas for easy and fun ways to make a big difference in the lives of others and to understand the true spirit of the holidays.

The more kids and teens that take action, the more toys will be donated to those in need.

So go, take action. And whatever you’re celebrating this year, I hope you have a Holiday filled with all kinds of gifts.