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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


easter basketOn Purim, Jews celebrate Persians trying (but not succeeding) to kill us, on Channukah, we commemorate how the Greeks tried (and failed) to kill us, and on Passover, we celebrate escaping being killed by the Egyptians. All this, Shalom Auslander points out in his novel, Foreskin’s Lament. And all this, is why there aren’t a whole lot of crafts surrounding the Jewish Holidays.

Take Easter:  The Christians have bunnies and chicks, and colorful eggs.  All lovely inspirations for fun family crafts. At that same time of year we have Passover:  famine, and locusts, and killing of the first born.  Is there a craft for that?

Well, there’s about to be.

Yesterday, I went to the Hershey’s Easter Party, a PR event where they showcased their adorable (and yummy) Easter crafts and products for 2014. Easter all the way.  Admittedly adorable. Easy to do crafts. Yummy treats.  But decidedly NFJ. (Not for Jews!)

So I say genug es genug (enough is enough – in Yiddish).  It’s time for some Passover Crafts!  And I’m here to help you adapt Hershey’s Easter crafts and Goodies for Passover.

1. Forget the Bunnies: Go Frogs (more…)

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wp sketch logoI love vanity sizing.

Why? I am not a size six.  Even on a good day, I’m a size 8. (And mostly, they’re not good days) But in the world of Vanity Sizing, I can wear a six.

I know it’s bull.  I know I’m the same size in a 12 as I am in a 10 as I am in an 8 or a 6.  But I don’t care.  I LOVE vanity sizing.  It makes me so very happy to zip up a size six with a smile.

I feel the same way about Spammy WordPress followers.  A few months ago, they started coming in droves.

Who are they?

AC4Qt.  I’m sure that’s legit.

MRojibF.  I think I met him once at a party.

Airsocaku.  She’s my sister’s brother in law’s aunt’s cousin. (Not really)

The point is, I don’t care who they are.  I only care that they follow me.  I only care that when I look at the number of how many followers I have, however bogus they may be…it’s a four digit number.  I’m popular.  (All you need to know about me is that I’m still close to the librarian from my middle school (Hi, Marge) to know how exciting it is for me to feel popular.)

I don’t know why these people follow me.  I mean, they’re not going to read my blog posts, I’m pretty certain of that.  Maybe they think I’ll just follow them back – that way they can feel good about having bogus followers, too.  Or maybe they think that following a blog that has three times (three times!) been chosen for Freshly Pressed,  somehow gives them good karma – or a better chance at being picked themselves. Maybe they just want me to click to see who they are.  Traffic is traffic after all, and I might like what I see and come back.

Or maybe I’m crazy, and they really are followers.  They’re reading this right now.  They’re all going to comment, Wision18 and guaravmatrix, and Pimawree09aeae. (he’s such a kidder!).  Because maybe  – just maybe – I really am that popular.

Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.

 

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CES-2014-logoI didn’t hit CES2014.  I don’t think I missed anything.

For the past several years, I have made the annual tech trek to CES in Las Vegas.  For the uninitiated, CES is the Consumer Electronics Show, once a trade show exclusively for electronic retailers to make their biggest yearly merchandise buys,  now a humongous tech-spectacle.  It’s where big tech announcement take place, new tech products are launched, and where 3200 exhibitors hawk their wares to 150,000 attendees in the hopes of ringing up a sale, racking up some publicity, or wrangling some coverage.  In other words, it’s a massive techie-dream – or not, depending on your point of view.

I think  my friend Ben Rudolph, (aka Ben the PC Guy) said it best:  CES is the Best Worst Week.

I admit it felt a little funny not to be at CES this year…at least until I made this list.

So here it is:  The Top Ten Things I Didn’t Miss by Not Going to CES this Year:

10. Porn Star Karaoke and Porn Star Beer Pong (more…)

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Paris Bar Mitzvah Band

Paris, 1988.
L’Orchestre Serge Avram

Yes, it’s true. In the late 80′s I lived in Paris and made my living as a Bar Mitzvah band singer.  I sang in Hebrew, Yiddish, French, English and Arabic.

Here’s the proof.  Not long after this photo was taken, the guys in the band (a dentist, an accountant, and IT guy…) all started wearing gold jackets with colored bow-ties and matching cummerbunds.

I got to wear what I wanted.  But there was that hair.

Long live the 80′s.

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, member of the United States House of Represe...

, member of the United States House of Representatives. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Hello, my name is Ashley, and I’ll be your server this evening.  This summer, our chef has a season long special: WeinerSpitzle.  WeinerSpitzle is an only in NY combination of hubris, stupidity, perversion, and blatant disregard for the law.  We take a little bit of working class Bronx-boy-made-good-goes-bad, mix it in with the fallen star of an uber-powerful real estate dynasty, and serve it up to voters too shocked at the utter gall of it not to order it. So far, it’s the clear winner!

 

Only in NY.

 

It’s hard to believe that this election cycle we have not one but two formerly-disgraced-now-looking-for-redemption politicians in the mix.  Former Congressman Anthony Weiner’s transgression – mistakenly sending semi-nude (not even nude!) photos of his – ahem, weiner – out on Twitter, rather than to a private, consenting adult, and then blatantly lying about it, was stupid and showed lack of judgement and lack of respect for his wife, but wasn’t criminal.   Elliot Spitzer, on the other hand, flaunted the laws he had sworn to protect first as Attorney General, and then as land-slide elected Governor, when he frequented a “high-class prostitute”. (I love the distinction – isn’t  “high class” prostitute an oxymoron?  Do high class hookers have better manners?  Do low class whores chew with their mouths open?)

And now they both want back in. And according to a poll released today - they just may get their wish. (more…)

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Ryan Reynolds and cute kid reporterRyan Reynolds had a real conversation with a real kid and the media world went bananas.

Early this week, I brought a pint-sized KidzVuz reporter to the Red Carpet for the premiere of Turbo.  Our ten year old first-timer interviewed Ryan Reynolds, Michelle Rodriguez, Luis Guzman, Ken Leong, race car stars Will Power, Ryan Hunter-Reay, and Ken Kanaan, and more.  As usual, the stars loved seeing a kid on the Red Carpet, and the other journalists were charmed, too.

But what came next surprised me.   There’s been a ton of coverage… of our coverage.  ABC News, People Magazine, eonline, Philly.com, Perez Hilton.  I even got a media request from Norway.  They all wrote – not about Ryan – but about Ryan and our reporter.  And it’s gotten me thinking. (more…)

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My Dog is Depressed


 

cute dog picThe kids are at camp, and Bentley has been looking like this pretty much since they left. So sweet.

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Not because I look like hair (frizzy hair, big nose, I know) but because, while preparing for the kids’ B’nai Mitzvah montage I’ve been feeling the urge to sing the great Streisand classic: Memories from The Way we Were.Image

Image

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My InstaGram is InstaGone!


Girls on phones.“AHHHHHH!  My pictures are gone!”

If, like thousands upon thousands of other parents, you have allowed your under 13-year-old child to be on Instagram, you may well have heard that cry over the weekend.

Why?  Because, per its Terms of Service, Instagram does not allow children under the age of 13 to have an account.  This is not – contrary to what many are saying – something new.  This clause – the one banning under-thirteens from the site -  has always been in there.

And it’s not just some Instagram rule, it’s the law. Do you know why?  Most parents think it’s because of online predators.  Nope.  Or because of adult content. Nope. Or even because “kids don’t need social media.” Um.  I don’t think so.

It’s because of privacy.  The Children’s Online Privacy and Protection Act, to be exact.  COPPA, as it’s affectionately (not!) knows, is the law that governs the use of children’s information online.  It’s illegal for your kid to have Instagram, Facebook, Google, or YouTube accounts because it’s illegal for companies to collect personally identifiable information about your kids without explicit parental consent.

It’s not illegal as in, “they’re going to arrest my child!” but illegal as in  – companies who knowingly allow underage kids on their sites are subject to significant fines. Instagram, recently bought for $1 billion (!) by Facebook, is cracking down because Facebook knows it’s under a microscope.

Hence the oodles and oodles of lost selfies, pictures of fourth grade dioramas. and subsequent hysterical ten year olds. (more…)

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7 Years Younger: The Revolutionary 7-Week Anti-Aging PlanWhile my kids are studying their Torah portions, looking for relevant things to say in their speeches (you try to relate skin disease (the subject of their portions) to 21st century tweenagerdom!), I have no less daunting tasks:

  • Planning a party that is neither over the top nor lame. (so far, not going so well)
  • Getting myself into shape so that I’m not either a) horrified at how I look in every picture from the big event or b) not in any pictures from the event, since I’ll be too horrified to pose.

So this week, the Great B’Nai Mitzvah Makeover began. (more…)

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