Not because I look like hair (frizzy hair, big nose, I know) but because, while preparing for the kids’ B’nai Mitzvah montage I’ve been feeling the urge to sing the great Streisand classic: Memories from The Way we Were.
Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
If, like thousands upon thousands of other parents, you have allowed your under 13-year-old child to be on Instagram, you may well have heard that cry over the weekend.
Why? Because, per its Terms of Service, Instagram does not allow children under the age of 13 to have an account. This is not – contrary to what many are saying – something new. This clause – the one banning under-thirteens from the site - has always been in there.
And it’s not just some Instagram rule, it’s the law. Do you know why? Most parents think it’s because of online predators. Nope. Or because of adult content. Nope. Or even because “kids don’t need social media.” Um. I don’t think so.
It’s because of privacy. The Children’s Online Privacy and Protection Act, to be exact. COPPA, as it’s affectionately (not!) knows, is the law that governs the use of children’s information online. It’s illegal for your kid to have Instagram, Facebook, Google, or YouTube accounts because it’s illegal for companies to collect personally identifiable information about your kids without explicit parental consent.
It’s not illegal as in, “they’re going to arrest my child!” but illegal as in – companies who knowingly allow underage kids on their sites are subject to significant fines. Instagram, recently bought for $1 billion (!) by Facebook, is cracking down because Facebook knows it’s under a microscope.
Hence the oodles and oodles of lost selfies, pictures of fourth grade dioramas. and subsequent hysterical ten year olds. (more…)
While my kids are studying their Torah portions, looking for relevant things to say in their speeches (you try to relate skin disease (the subject of their portions) to 21st century tweenagerdom!), I have no less daunting tasks:
- Planning a party that is neither over the top nor lame. (so far, not going so well)
- Getting myself into shape so that I’m not either a) horrified at how I look in every picture from the big event or b) not in any pictures from the event, since I’ll be too horrified to pose.
So this week, the Great B’Nai Mitzvah Makeover began. (more…)
As the New Year begins, most people like to look back on the things that happened over the past year. The tragic losses, the remarkable successes, the movie stars divorced or scandalized. Not me. I’m reflecting on the year that wasn’t. All the things I thought would happen…and didn’t.
1. 2012 was not the year people realized that every time a reality TV show turns a talentless nobody into a star, Lucy Ricardo, Archie Bunker, and Hawkeye Pierce sigh a collective – if fictional – sigh of defeat.
2. 2012 was not the year I got in shape. Nope. (more…)
Let’s face it, every year, we all make New Year’s resolutions, and every year, we fail to keep even one of them. So this year, I’m not going to bother. Instead, I’m telling other people what New Year’s Resolutions I’d like them to keep. Because, you know, who doesn’t need a little advice from someone who can’t even keep her own resolutions?
1. Resolve not to One-Up Everything Everyone Else Says – Oh, you know who you are. We say “We’re going Skiing in Vermont this year.” and you say “We’re going skiing in Davos.” We say “I baked cookies with the kids today,” You say, “The kids and I made profiteroles this afternoon.” And it’s not just one-upping the good stuff, you one-up our bad news, too: we say “my friend had a heart attack” and you say “My friend had a massive stroke and will never be able to speak or dress himself again.”
Nobody likes a braggart.
2. Resolve to call customers, customers. Because if I am your guest, why am I paying you?
3. Resolve to Control Your Kids – I love kids. I do. I think they’re cute, and funny, and sweet. It’s the parents I have a problem with. If your kid is a little performer – bully for you. I’m sure you love it, grandma loves it. Your friends with their own kids? Not so much. I don’t blame the little performers for their constant repetitions of Call Me Maybe, complete with disarmingly adorable dance moves. They’re kids. I blame the parents for not realizing that not everyone wants to watch the “not my cute kid show” on an endless, live loop.
The five-year-old’s rendition of Ne-Yo‘s Let Me Love You might have been cute the first time, but by the fourth time – it’s your job to hit the off button.
4. Resolve Not to Seat Me at the Worst Table in the Restaurant – Yes, you, hostess. Why must you, when the restaurant is nearly empty, seat me next to the bathroom, or directly opposite the bus station so I can see the dirty dishes pile up? I hate that.
5. Resolve to Carry Breath Mints and use them. You know who you are.
6. Resolve to Stop Staying “Not to be mean, but” and then say something mean.
7. Resolve Not to Say things Like “I don’t get Twitter” in a disparaging tone to people who work in social media for a living.
8. Resolve not to talk about your workouts, your health, or your renovation. Nothing is more boring than listening to someone talk about how much/how hard/how often they work out. You’re an exercise fanatic, good for you, boring for the rest of us. Cataloging your ailments runs a close second in the boring department. We really don’t need to know the exact definition of a fistula. And renovations? Fabulous Anne Sachs tiles notwithstanding, the only reason we care about your bathroom is if we really, really, have to go, and it happens to be nearby.
9. Resolve NOT to tell me what happens at the end of Breaking Bad because even though the show is long over, I am still watching the final season on Netflix and I really don’t want you to ruin it for me. And while you’re at it, resolve not to act like I’ve committed a crime by not having watched Downton Abbey. Ever.
10. Resolve not to whistle on public transport. Would you sing on the M86 Crosstown? I didn’t think so. Then don’t whistle, either.
Do all these, and we’ll all have a Happy (well, Happier) 2013! Happy New Year!
Family. Friends. Health. These are all things I am thankful for. But really, who is against family, friends, and not having bubonic plague? So here is a list of some less obvious – though no less essential –things that I am thankful for this year.
1. Tweezers – So when the odd chin hair appears, I can quickly remove it.
2. Random Throbbing GIFs Because who doesn’t like pulsating poultry? (more…)
The Holidays are upon us. Which means it’s time for endless good cheer, open minds, generous hearts and the spirit of…oh, who am I kidding?
The Holidays are when the cynical New Yorker in me grumbles about the hoards of tourists, when the Jew in me feels distinctly left out, and when the only spirit I feel at the end of the day is the 80 proof one keeping me sane through the onslaught.
What’s my problem with the Holiday Season? Herewith, the top five. (more…)
Yes, it’s true. I went to the Justin Beiber concert, and all I got was the endless gratitude of my daughter.
That’s enough to make a Belieber out of me.
Seen in Riverside Park a few days ago. It’s like the tree KNEW it was Halloween.
Kinda cool. And really, really gross!
If you scroll down to the bottom of my blog you’ll see the line “If forty’s the new thirty, someone forgot to tell my thighs.” (and my uterus, but that’s another story.) True, there was a time before penicillin, and indoor plumbing, and cosmetic surgery – when being in your forties meant you were officially OLD, while now, being in your forties means you go to spin class, wear short shorts, and read Twilight with impunity. But being in your forties isn’t all roses, prune juice, and junk mail from AARP. There’s a dark side to being forty something. Dark. Dark. Dark.
1. You think everyone is 20-something, because they all look so young. They you realize they are thirty-something, and you only think they’re 20-something because you can’t believe that you look 20 years older than a 20-someone does. But you do. (more…)