Image by Dekuwa via Flickr

This week, the Supreme Court ruled that a California Law banning the sale of violent video games to minors violates those minors’ first amendment rights, and was – as a lower court had determined – unconstitutional.

Justice Antonin Scalia argued that while sexual content has long been regulated for children, there is no precedent for limiting children’s access to violent content. The Court determined that the government’s “legitimate power to protect children from harm… does not include a free-floating power to restrict the ideas to which children may be exposed.”

So what the Supreme Court is saying is, kids shouldn’t be exposed to sex, but if they rack up points by shooting someone – more points for shooting them in the head, and even more for shooting them in their private parts while playing a video game (in Bulletstorm), or if they shoot up a street full of Russian civilians whose blood spatters everywhere (Modern Warfare 2) — well, that’s freedom of speech.

I find this argument ridiculous on a number of levels.

1. Precedent Schmecedent. Just because the Courts haven’t done something before, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it now.  Take child protection laws.  For more than a century, there were no such laws.  Should we have allowed the continued abuse of children in the workplace, or at the hands of their parents simply because we’d never limited it before?

2. Degree matters.  The violence in the Red Shoes (which Justice Scalia referenced in his decision) is that of a girl forced to dance herself to death. Snow White?  A poison apple. Compare that to a child playing a character that beats someone to death with a hammer – with splattering blood and all — and who gets points for it! Not the same thing.

3. Consistency Counts  The law they struck down was pretty specific, it defined violent games as those “in which the range of options available to a player includes killing, maiming, dismembering or sexually assaulting an image of a human being” in a way that was “patently offensive,” appealed to minors’ “deviant or morbid interests” and lacked “serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.”

So Scalia’s argument (And Ruth Ginsberg!! How could you agree with this?) that these video games are conveying “ideas and even social messages” just doesn’t work.

4. Obscene isn’t just about Sex. Doesn’t  content that includes the “entertaining” depiction of raping a prostitute then killing her when you’re done (Grand Theft Auto) seem obscene to you? Seriously.  How much more obscene does it get?

4. Do the Research  Do violent video games encourage violence in kids?

Read this excerpt from the Wall Street Journal:

Many academics and medical professionals say yes, though not all agree. The  American Academy of Pediatrics came out with a statement in 2009 concluding that exposure to different forms of media, including video games but also TV, movies and music, “can contribute to aggressive behavior, desensitization to violence, nightmares and fear of being harmed.” The American Psychological Association takes a similar stance  in a resolution on violence in video games and advocates reducing the amount of violence in them.

True, there are some studies that show no correlation.  But the prevailing wisdom is that it’s unhealthy for kids to be exposed to graphic violence.  In the case of video games – to graphic violence in which they virtually participate.

So what’s next?   Hopefully, much like the Motion Picture Association – the video games association will monitor themselves, and limit childrens’ access to such games.  But in the end,  it’s up to parents to be – well – parents, and monitor what their kids are watching and playing.

Cause otherwise, they might be exposed to such terrible violence as a princess biting into a poison apple, right?

Image via Wikipedia

Today is Pearl Harbor Day, the anniversary of the terrible attack on US Soil that finally (finally) got the United States to fully engage in World War II, and not too many people seem to care.

Of course there are remembrances here and there, and moments of silence on military bases and ships around the globe, but in the general, everyday consciousness of Americans…this huge, historic, sad, shocking event is all but forgotten.  I know virtually no details of what happened.  But from what I hear, for years and years afterwards, it was treated the same way the September 11th attacks are treated now. So what happened?

You might say, well, it’s been 69 years.  No one remembers.  But I wonder, would you be so quick to dismiss commemoration of the 9/11 attacks?  Can you imagine a time when no one really thinks about the those attacks anymore?  When the site downtown is just another place of business? The Plaza they build just another place for office workers to catch some rays, have a cigarette, and enjoy their lunch?  It seems impossible.  But so did it seem impossible for the same thing to happen with Pearl Harbor.

And yet here we are.

Is there a shelf-life for remembrance?  Is there an expiration date on honoring those who lost their lives in a tragic attack?

Every year in NYC on the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, the families of those who died gather and listen and the names of the dead are read aloud.   If the attitude towards the anniversary of Pearl Harbor is any indication, that level of remembrance will be long over, long before I’ve forgotten that day.  In some day in the not-too-distant future, the 9/11 attacks will be reduced to a mention on the local news and an interview with some octogenarian who was there. Seems impossible, but inevitable.

I’m not even sure how I feel about that.  Maybe it’s better not to hold onto our grief forever.  Maybe it’s healthier not to relive, year after year, our loss.  Maybe, once the vast majority of people directly effected by the loss of life – the families and friends – of those who died have died themselves, it’s time to move on.

But maybe we shouldn’t forget.  Maybe the names of those who died in Pearl Harbor should be read aloud every year, even if there aren’t as many people standing there to hear them.

Living through September 11th, smelling the smoke days later, cooking and delivering food to the people working at the site in the days and months following the attacks, watching week after week of funerals at the church around the corner – funerals for firefighters, and fathers, and secretaries, and who knows who else…it’s not something I want to remember…but it’s certainly something I’ll never forget.

I may not have been alive during the Pearl Harbor attacks. And before September 11th, 2001, Pearl Harbor Day may not have been on my radar.  But it is now.  So to those who did live through it.  Or to those who lost family and friends.  Here’s to you. Here’s to the men (because then, it was mostly men) who lost their lives.

You are not forgotten.

Here are some ideas for What Sarah Palin Can do, now that she won’t be in the runner-up position, ready to assume the winner’s duties, should, for some reason, he be unable, unwilling, or unelected to fulfill them:

1. She could start her own line of eye-wear.

I’m not talking just any eyeglasses.  I’m talking the kind that Sarah Palin has.  The kind that let you see who the “real Americans’ are.  With these glasses, everyone would know who was a “real American” and who was just a tax paying, law-abiding, free-choice supporting, Chardonnay drinking liberal.  They’d know who they could sell a house to (not some un-American), who they should hire for a new job (no un-Americans allowed!), who they should allow to marry (un-Americans need not apply.)

They’d sale like moose-cakes.

2. She could be her own action figure.

Imagine the possibilities!!  Paratrooper Palin! Comes clad in her own skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots with an additional $150,000 wardrobe fit for any climate!  Six pack, moose and rifle sold seperately.

3. She could host her own game show:

Are you Smarter Than a Vice Presidential Candidate?  Regular Americans would face-off against the political beauty and try not be stumped by such tough questions as: what newspapers do you read?  What does the Vice President do? And can you spell MAVERICK?

4. She could get her own show on Fox News.

Sadly, I’m not joking.  She’d fit right in: no regard for facts, no ability or desire to hide her complete and total bias, and an uncanny ability to make the absurd seem reasonable. Plus, she could break up that boring old news genre with a talent portion of the show each night.

Monday Night: Moose Dressing (by which I mean undressing, in the most permanent sense.)

Tuesday night: Pageant Walking (thanks Tina Fey),

Wednesday Night: A guest appearance by Todd…and his snow mobile (how manly)!

Thursday Night: guess how many more babies I’m going to have game, and

Friday Night: a duet with former US Attorney General John Ashcroft of “Let the Eagle Soar” fame.

It’ll be a ratings phenomenon.

5. She could land on an aircraft carrier (clad in her skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots) and declare victory for John McCain.

The Republicans already have a precedent for this. Declare war whether you’re right or not, then declare victory whether you’ve won or not.  There are endless permutations along these lines: declare knowledge, whether you have any or not, declare experience whether you’ve had any that’s relevant or not, declare maverick status every chance you get.

6. She could go back to Alaska just in time for the frigid, snowy, winter, get trapped in her home by an avalanche, and then float away sometime in the early spring when the thaw comes much earlier than expected because of global warming, and never be seen or heard from again.

Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

This group of people, however, looked neither young, nor fresh-faced, nor hopeful.  I saw middle-aged men in expensive looking business suits who looked shell-shocked, as if they couldn’t understand where they were.  I saw 30-something wheeler-dealer types, who until the last few weeks had probably thought themselves invincible. There more people lined up for that job fair than I’d ever seen.  The line snaked down Sixth Avenue, across 19th Street, and around the corner of 18th Street almost halfway to 7th Avenue.  For the first time, I saw the ramifications of the current financial crisis up close.  These people weren’t starting out excited down the path to success, they were desperately clinging to what they already had, and were afraid to lose.

To most people, the financial crisis is happening in some mysterious place called Wall Street.  Evidently, the rest of America is “Main Street” and only this one street — the epicenter of the crisis, the “ground zero” of the financial downfall, is to blame.  To New Yorkers, Wall Street isn’t some figurative place, some metaphor for greed.  It’s just another street, with offices, and shops and a few not-very-good restaurants. It’s just another part of the City we call home.

The other day, I went down to Wall Street. While I was there, I couldn’t help but look for signs of the evil arch-enemy of Main Street politicians keep talking about.  I was hoping to see the callous, ultra-rich, a-moral, self-serving “Masters of the Universe” Tom Wolfe wrote about back in the eighties–the women wearing shoulder pads that made them look as tough as line-backers, the men smoking cigars that cost more than some people made in a week.  Instead, I saw  exhaustion.  Tired senior executives, harried young businessmen, “runners” heading home too tired to remove their tell-tale jackets.  I also saw the same thing I see everywhere in New York: people getting ready to go out for the evening, working mothers on their cell-phones telling their babysitters they were running late.  It wasn’t a disaster area, but those Masters of the Universe – - they were no where in sight.

Then, as I reached Pearl Street, I saw something.  Not the kind of Master I had expected, but a Master nonetheless.  There, on the sidewalk, it’s cord and plug snaking out behind it, just as the line of job seekers had snaked around nineteenth street, was a Stairmaster looking as if it were waiting to be used, waiting for a second chance. And suddenly, I had as apt a metaphor for what’s been happening in the financial sector as any I’d heard.

Because we’ve all — not just the Wall Streeters — but all of us, have been on that Stairmaster for the past several years, in one way or another.  Climbing, climbing, climbing, without paying attention to the fact that all this spending, all this excess, hasn’t really gotten us anywhere. Or at least not anywhere we want to be. The only place all this mindless, endless, climbing has gotten us is in debt, over-extended, highly leveraged, deeply worried or totally screwed. No wonder someone dumped their stairway to nowhere into the gutter.

Oddly, Stairmasters figure in another great US tragedy that had its epicenter only a few blocks north of Wall Street: the September 11th attacks.  Every time I drive down the Westside Highway past the gaping hole that was once the World Trade Center I notice the two building directly across the street from the site.  In one of these buildings there’s a wall of windows a filled with the faces of tourists, struggling to imagine what happened to what once was there.   Or to understand how nothing came to be there – how all these years later there is still nothing there.  In the next building, along another wall of windows looking directly into the site, is a line of Stairmasters.  Every time I drive downtown I see these two windows. And every time, the tourist window is crammed with faces, but the other window is empty; the Stairmasters unused.

I imagine that using a Stairmaster while looking at the place where thousands of people walked down as many as eighty flights of stairs to escape a terrorist attack might feel- well, uncomfortable.  I imagine that tending to one’s own personal exercise regime while looking at the place where so many suffered such personal loss, might be unsettling. I imagine anyone climbing, climbing, climbing, couldn’t help but think of all of those firefighters who climbed up, while everyone else climbed down, and who lost their lives by so doing. I wonder if, a few years from now, people will be standing where those Stairmasters are now, looking out the window at what was once the financial center of the world, contemplating the gaping hole in our economy, wondering how we got there.

Odd, that an exercise machine should loom so large (at least for me) in two of the biggest crises in modern American history.  (Though I hope it’s too early to put the current credit crisis in this category – perhaps we’ll pull through somehow.) And while there is no comparison as to the scope of these tragedies on a human level, I see some similarities.  Both the September 11th attacks and the current financial collapse caused fear and panic.  Both have made us have to confront how little of the world we really control.  Both have made us wonder if we will leave our children a war-filled, financially unstable legacy. Both left us digging out — one literally, and one figuratively.  One tragically, nonsensically – one, perhaps, deservedly – with financial institutions fueled and felled by greed, and Americans’ desire for more, better, faster, bigger. Most important is not their similarities, but this distinction between the two: one of these crises ended people’s lives; the other, only  some people’s lives as they know it.

That Stairmaster on the street, the one with the cord that looked like it was searching for a second chance…let’s hope it doesn’t get one.  Because when we do start climbing out, I don’t want it to be a frenzied climb to nowhere, but a well-considered journey to security and safety.  I want those people on the job-fair line to climb as high as they’d like – but to be cognizant of the climbing.  To know where they are going and to understand that it takes hard work and dedication to get there. I want them — all of us — to realize that when you get something for nothing…you end up with just that, nothing. We don’t need to be Masters of the Universe.  Instead, we should aim to be Masters hard-work, fairness, opportunity, and of our own destiny. A destiny not shaped by an endless rush to an unattainable height, but to a real place of security and hope.

Gee willikers, wasn’t Sarah Palin swell last night. Let those East
Coast media elites say what they will, but that was one heckuva
whizbang show ole Sarah put on. Gosh oh golly she was great. What a
nifty VP she’ll make, dontcha think?

For those of you who aren’t from New York:  that’s called sarcasm.

Because while Sarah Palin didn’t humiliate herself, didn’t fumble, didn’t tell anyone she’d “get back to” ‘em. She also didn’t impress anyone (certainly not my brother, a proud, card carrying, ivy-educated member of the East Coast Elite) with the depth of her intellect and understanding.  Still, give credit where credit is due.  It was a great performance.  I can’t wait to see how she does in the evening gown portion of the event.

What my brother doesn’t know is, and what secret sources have recently revealed to this blogger, is that that wasn’t  really Sarah Palin up there.  It was (scary music sting) STEPFORD SARAH.

Whereas most candidates are coached before a debate, Sarah Palin was, quite literally, programmed, evidently by a former writer of that great American show, Hee-Haw.  Stepford Sarah was programmed in folksy overdrive.  I half expected her to ask for a break so she could check on the RV she had parked outside, grab a brewsky, and make sure she didn’t let down her bowling league on their big night.

Lord knows I’m fair and impartial, so I’ll admit that Joe Biden was working the working class thing, too.  But at least when he said “working class” there was a “g” at the end of the word.

I have done some quick mathematical calculation of the folksiness quotient of each of the debators.  You’ll see that it clearly shows that Sarah Palin was folksier by a quotient of Chuckie Cheese³.

I scored Sarah Palin as follows:

• For every dontcha, betcha or darn Right                                   3 folksy points.
• For every “ing” ending without the “g”                                      3 points.
• Every “this great country of ours” or “across this great nation”  5 points
• Every mention of “regular folks like me”                                  5 points
• Every Wink directly to the camera                                           10 poin ts

Joe Biden was scored this way:

• Every mention of Scranton PA                                                          3points
• Every reference to “people in my neighborhood”                              3  points
• For Pained smiles in reaction to a nonsensical answer by Palin        5 points
• Every “God love ‘em”                                                                         5 points
• For gentlemanly (sexist?) restraint                                                  10 point

So  IF -  FPE=Folksy Points Earned,  HH= Hee Haw  and OMG= I can’t believe this is really happening  THAN:

HH/folksy x darntootin’ + (can I call you Joe?-I’m gonna grab your elbow) x (2008 + OMG²) =FPE

Sarah Palin gets 397.92 Folsky Points to Joe Biden’s 32.7.  Clearly, Palin wins on Folksiness alone.

Too bad they’re not having more debates.  I was hoping to get to see Stepford Palin as The Bionic Woman.  She could carefully put her hair behind her ears, break the knuckles of those who shake her hand, and be glamorous, tough, and sappy all at once.  Or maybe we could have seen Palin in Bundy mode – all inappropriate jokes and scatalogical references, as in “Oh, that Ahmendinijad, he’s just a poopy!  We’ll wipe him out! Get it? (wink wink)”  What I really would have liked to see was Game Show Contestant mode.  Oh wait — we did see that.  Last night.  She was in Hee Haw Game Show Mode.  All she needed was a hat with a tag on it, a moderator with a monochramatic fashion sense, and a buzzer to smack when she let go with a Whammy! and we’d be in Hog Heaven.  Dontcha know?

I mean, far be it from me to accuse a decorated war hero of being less than patriotic…but does anyone out there really believe that McCain was thinking “Country First” when he picked the TOTALLY unprepared (albeit quite perky) Sarah Palin as his running mate? I think not. I think it was out with Country First and in with Campaign First. And now that Palin is being exposed as the underinformed lightweight that she is (thanks, Katie) I think McCain should dump her and pick someone new as his running mate. I’ve already nominated myself and Anna Faris, but here are a few more suggestions:

1. David Hasselhoff

Hey, this guy could really shore up our foreign relations. Not only do they love The Hoff in Germany, but he’s a HUGE hit in — well, everywhere. This is a quote from his own social network (and any guy with his own social network knows how to use “the Google” for sure.)

In my travels round (sic) the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me.

He’s not just looking out his window at other countries, people in other countries are looking at him — in a bathing suit! The Hoff even knows about The Zulu Nation!!

Plus, we all know he makes measured, fair decisions. His judgment is sound. Haven’t you seen him on America’s Got Talent?

2. Elmo

Who could not like Elmo? World leaders would find him so darn cute they’d put aside petty complaints like our unfounded invasions of other countries, the war crimes perpetrated against detainees in Abu Gharaib and GTMO, and our infliction of Paris Hilton on the world at large.

He’s excellent at teaching all about cooperation, this guy could reach right across the aisle with his furry little hand.  Also, remember all that hullabaloo about the Alaska governor’s private jet? Elmo doesn’t need a jet! Just fold him up, put him in a suitcase, and you’re set to go.

Of course, having a president with a puppet as VP would take some adjusting. We’re so used to it being the other way around.

3. Bullwinkle.

For all those deeply disturbed by Palin’s propensity for mooseburgers. This guy IS a moose! The Anti-Palin incarnate!!

4. Glinda the Good Witch

There’s just something about Palin that reminds me of Glinda. So if McCain chooses her (and yes, I know she’s fictional….this whole exercise is fictional…do you really think I think McCain is going to believe that The Hoff knows anything abou the Zulu nation?) Anyway — if McCain chooses Glinda, he’ll have a change, but he’ll still have a perky, can-do, kinda gal. And the similarities don’t end there:

• Like Palin, Glinda flies. Granted, the Good Witch flies without a helicopter or assault rifle, and instead of killing defenseless little furry creatures, she saves defenseless little munchkin creatures…but let’s not nitpick, shall we?
• In the face of difficulty, Glinda doesn’t blink. She may flutter her eyelashes a lot, but she doesn’t blink. Did you see her take on The Wicked Witch of the West? You can’t blink.  You just can’t.
• Palin is kept from the media in a protective bubble. Glinda travels in an actual bubble.

The similarities are mind-boggling!

5. Tina Fey

This one is a no-brainer.  She does a pitch perfect impression of Palin…but she has a brain!! It’s Palin without Palin! All the perkiness, all the spunk, she even wears glasses! Plus, if things ever get awkward on an international visit, she can always do a comic riff to loosen things up a bit. An added bonus…she’s friends with Alec Baldwin. Much better than that snow-mobiling hick the real Palin hangs around with.

There you have it. A comprehensive, vetted list of a “vast variety” (to quote Scary Sarah) replacements for Sarah Palin should McCain choose to dump her at this late date. (As if!) They all have name recognition, they all know have experience handling the “gotcha media,” and they all have at least as much claim on the job as Palin.

I hope he picks David Hasselhoff, though.  He’s got that really cool car! Kitt is way better than a motorcade. It’s even got artificial intelligence. So it’ll fit right in with the rest of the Republican administration. The Maverick and The Hoff. Makes as much sense as anything else that’s been happening this election. I like it.

I think that that’s how people feel about Sarah Palin.  Maybe she doesn’t know her stuff.  Maybe she doesn’t have enough experience, maybe she can’t really sing, but gosh darnit, isn’t she just the greatest?

Last night in her exclusive interview on CBS news, Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin to give her even  “one example of John McCain pressing for more regulation” on Wall Street.

“He’s a Maverick.” Palin answered, non-sequitorally.

Couric pressed again, asking for a specific example.

“Well, we need to really be behind new regulations.”

Couric, promising that she wouldn’t beat this to the ground, asked one last time for specific examples.

“I’ll try to find you some and I’ll bring ‘em to ya.” answered Palin.  Her folksy smile and phony eyeglasses gleaming for the cameras.

So there you have it:  she can’t sing, but she’s entertaining.

On the Cabaret stage, when your friends are in the house, that’s a good thing.  But on the international stage, when the country and the world are depending on you — well, you’d better have your facts straight.. or at least your script;  you’d better be able to belt it out like Bette or Barbara.

Because out there in the real world, where everyone isn’t your friend, charm and likability just aren’t enough.  And even a really big cover charge won’t cover that up.

But in case you still need convincing…read on

1. I am the Mayor of my own domain.

• I do all the budgeting (you try to send two kids to private school in NYC).
• I do all the scheduling: gymnastics, piano, guitar, roller blading, cooking, Tae Kwan Do.(It’s a wonder they have time for school at all.)
• I take meetings about matters important to my constituency: how much tv can they watch, when can they get a dog, do they have to kiss their Great Uncle hello, even though he’s the kind of guy strangers offer to buy food for when they see him on the street?
• Pretty much everything I do is a photo op, what with the cuteness of my little ones.

2. Like Palin, I am an avid hunter.

• Take me to Loehmann’s, Daffy’s, or Filene’s Basement and watch me go!  I can bag and tag a discounted Missoni jacket like nobody’s business.
• Nobody tracks down a lost blankie, teddy bear, or half-eaten and smelled-but-not-seen tuna sandwich better than I.

3. Like Palin, I have been accused of abuse of power.
I make my constituents pick up their clothes, clear their places, say please and thank you, and look a person in the eye and shake hands when they are introduced. If that’s not abuse of power, what is?

4. My husband has never  been on a snowmobile.
But tell him to get from Canarsie to Queensboro Plaza on the subway, and he’ll get you there faster than any snowmobile ever could. Forget snow drifts and sub-zero temperatures, my SIC (second in command) has to contend with rush hour crowds, Scientologists, track fires, and the ever-present stench that can only say NYC.

5. I am not a creationist.
No jokes here.  I just think that if you expect kids to learn bible stories in public school, you’re pretty much demonstrating a distinct lack of understanding of “separation of church and state.” Believe what you like, just don’t expect the Federal government to believe the same thing.

And while we’re on the creation thing, my daughter is WAY too young to do any embarrassing pre-marital creating of her own…unless we’re talking Play-Do.  She can make anything out of that.

6. No one’s heard of me, either.

There are lots more reasons McCain should have chosen me.  I can’t see Russia from my window, and even if I could, I wouldn’t claim that made me a foreign policy expert. I would never run against my mother-in-law, mostly because she never runs — not even to catch a bus — but still.  And I have experience on the foreign stage, literally:  I was a lounge singer in Paris.

Clearly, my experience is relevant, substantial, and kinda fun! So maybe I haven’t ever been a beauty queen,  I have been to Dairy Queen, and really, what’s the difference?

McCain?  Are you listening?  There’s still time.  Pick me!! Pick Me!!

This post previously appeared in a slightly different form on NYCMomsblog.com

Here’s what I saw:  a clearly intelligent, poised, perky(again), well-spoken, appealing persona telling America her opinion on politics.  She was not dumb.  She was not stuttering, or using malapropisms…she sounded like the Republican version of me, at a dinner party, talking about politics.  I know what I think and everything — I just don’t quite have all the facts.  You know – I just think stuff.

But there is one huge difference between me and Sarah Palin – aside from the fake glasses, the twang, the creationism and all that horrid gun stuff — I’M NOT RUNNING FOR VICE PRESIDENT! (though you can click here to read why I should be.)

So she’s not stupid.  So she can speak in front of a crowd.  So what?  Everyone has an opinion.  My doorman, the taxi driver, the guy on the bus this morning talking the driver’s ear off. (Hello? do you not see the sign that reads “do not talk to driver while bus is in motion”?) Everyone is entitled to an option.  But opinion isn’t enough. You need knowledge, experience, command of the facts. Do I think she can learn a lot of the things she needs to? Absolutely.  Clearly, the woman’s no slouch.  But do I think that she should be learning on the job? Ummmmm….NO.

What upsets me most about all this is that even though I completely disagree with John McCain about just about everything…I thought he was a decent guy.  Turns out, he’s a guy who picks as his running mate, not someone who would make a good vice president — much less president — but someone who can get him elected.  That’s shameful.  And insulting. And it’s certainly not putting “country first.”

She is eminently qualified for any number of reasons. First of all, she’s an advocate for the little guys. (Or the nerdy girls, but let’s not quibble.) She stands up for their rights (rights to party – that quibbling thing again!), she throws an excellent fund-raiser, she’s particularly good at public relations with foreign (i.e. cool) bodies. And she knows where she stands: naked in the middle of a magazine. (and weren’t there some bikini/gun pics of Palin? Same thing, less money. And Faris looks better in her bikini than the VP pick.) On top of that, Shelley is very clear on her voting stance, and able to listen to more than one party. Though she never listens to Simon, she is open to the views of both Paula and Randy.

Like Palin, Shelley has vast executive experience. Hey, have you ever tried to wrangle a house full of horny college aged kids? That takes dedication, hard work, and a firm grasp of economic policy. Plus, it’s kinda like having a lot of kids – well, close enough. Like Palin, Shelley is full of cute sayings – remember lipstick on a pit bull? Well Shelley says “The eyes are the nipples of the face.” Like Palin, Shelley can be mighty scary. Just wait till you hear her exorcist voice. It’s just like Palin’s entire speech at the convention — almost supernaturally frightening. Hey, Shelley even puts her hair up and wears glasses in one scene. I’m telling you, she’s just like Palin. Only even perkier.

And since perky and likable seem to be the only qualifications for VP as far as the Republicans are concerned — I rescind my previous nomination of myself, (though I’ll still keep my presidential platform) and nominate Anna Faris as Shelley. And hey, the age difference between her and McCain is just like the difference between Shelley and Hef!! It’s perfect. Maybe she’ll even turn the White House in to the Playboy mansion. She’ll be out White House Bunny!!That’ll get the foreign dignitaries lining up for a visit. Anna Faris for president, I say! And God Bless the United States of America.