They’re rosy, they’re peachy, they understand Nietzsche,
Those beautiful brainy girls.
They write well, they work hard, they understand Kierkegaard,
Those beautiful brainy girls.
Each one is undeniably intellectual.
And thank God they’re certifiably heterosexual.
They know their Cervantes, although they wear panties,
Those beautiful brainy girls.
And with those lyrics, written for the Columbia College Varsity Show in 1984, David Rakoff solidified his place as the funniest, wittiest, cleverest person I have ever had the good fortune to know.
It was the first year of co-education at Columbia, and David, along with future TV writer superstars Alexa Junge and Adam Belanoff, and composer Noel Katz, wrote this song as the opening to our show.
Years later, I still remember every word, and it still makes me smile.
David was like that. Once you read something he wrote, or listened to him on the radio, or hung out with him in London, with your mother, ordering Turtle Soup (“Wait! It’s really turtle! he was shocked. “How horrifying!”), you remember every word he said and it makes you smile.
That’s why I’m so sad today. Because even though, in the decades since college ended, David and I only spoke about once a year, I could always count on him to make me smile. And last night, all too soon, at the age of 47, David died.
You know those friends that you don’t speak to for ages, but then when you do, it seems as if you never were out of touch? That was David. Our friend Jayne ( a talented writer in her own right) once told me that she thinks everyone who knows David feels that they have a special bond with him. That was him. Always making you feel special, when in fact, he was the special one.
Smarter than anyone. Funnier. Brighter. Wittier. And completely, totally, unimpressed with that indisputable fact.
A few years ago, David went to the Southampton Writer’s conference to teach a seminar. He hated leaving the city. “You want greenery? Order the spinach salad.” was the way he put it in an essay for Outside Magazine. But he came, and he joined me (and my mother, again, for once she met him in London in 1986 she never forgot him, and always wanted to be included) at my house for lunch. When my husband arrived, David got that look on his face that he got – that grin, those flashing eyes. “I had no idea you’d married Stanley Tucci!” he gushed, in his “I’m your saucy gay friend” sort of way. And then proceeded to make my husband feel extremely flattered…and a bit uncomfortable…for the rest of the afternoon.
That was David. At once making me feel special for having such a husband, and my husband feel special for having movie-star looks. All the while ignoring his own specialness, though with every word he wrote, every arcane bit of language he somehow managed to make sound fresh and current, that specialness – that extraordinary mind and talent - was apparent.
David was generous with his talents, too. I sent him my book proposal years ago, after an agent read an essay I had published, and contacted me interested to know if I had a book she might rep. David helped me craft a proposal. And when the agent ended up telling me she didn’t want to rep me after all, she didn’t think I really had a book - she did add that it was quite possibly the best book proposal she had ever received.
That was David, too.
Every email from him started “Oh honey.”
Every phrase he turned was sweet.
Every observation incredibly true, universal, yet somehow singular at the same time.
The world has lost not just a unique wit, but a lovely, lovely person. Everyone who knew him, who read him, who saw his Academy Award winning short film, who listened to him on the radio, will miss him.
I know I will.
—–
If you didn’t know David or his work, listen to this. It is a lovely tribute to him, his wit, and his work from his friends at This American Life
- The craft that consumed me (salon.com)
- On David Rakoff (vol1brooklyn.com)























A Psychopath left a Comment on my Blog!
Posted in Humor, Laughs, Rants, Uncategorized, Working Mom, Writing, tagged crazy bloggers, crazy comments on your blog, what to do about mean comments on August 18, 2010 | 10 Comments »
The comment came from a guy named Ed. And this was his opening line.
So you ended up being just a mother.
Just another mother, like a chimp, a cow, an elephant, a whale, just another mother, like an insect, or an octopus, or a worm. Just another sad mother.
The guy had me laughing already. What a jokester he must be. And quite a laugh at family gatherings.
He went on to give his insightful commentary on how others must feel about my motherhood.
Your kids will not thank you, your husband will not like you, your own mother will pity you for making her own same mistake.
Just another mother.
Somehow, I don’t think he and his mom have the best relationship. I’m very intuitive. That’s how I know.
Next, the lovely Ed waxes poetic about “parental-brain-atrophy-syndrome” (ooh! ten dollar words! can my mom-brain take it?!) I won’t bore you with his entire oeuvre, just a summary. I’ve biologically dumbed down my brain. My life is “dirt and feces.” Blah blah blah. Again, just guessing here, but do you think that our friend Ed may have some slight socialization problems?
Motherhood, according to Eddie-poo, has doomed me to “a life of dandruff and diseases, vaccine and lice, high school and drool.” Poor Ed. Sounds like his High School years were pretty tough. What with the drooling and all. Kind of makes it hard to get a date. I can imagine the phone call:
“Hi, Susie? This is Ed? You know, from your science class?….What? Yeah, that’s me. The one with the bib.”
When you’re in High School, you hate your mother, and you have a drooling problem, chances are, you didn’t get a prom date. Which may explain this next choice tidbit from my friend Ed’s comment.
You lost your dignity through your open legs, first inwards and then outwards, first-in-first-out, garbage-in-garbage-out, a boomerang of boredom.
Wow. I don’t believe I have ever heard a man describe sex in quite that way. Especially the penis as garbage analogy. Most men I know think of the penis as the pinnacle of perfection, the private part of pleasure, the….well, perhaps I’m getting carried away. But the comment does make me wonder if Ed’s lack of a prom-date problem may have led to him missing out on sex all together. Which would explain a lot.
After a bit more poetic rambling about my “loss” and how I’ve chosen “prison voluntarily” (guess his Mommy dearest kept him locked in his room most of the time. Thanks, Mom, for keeping away from the rest of us as long as you did!), he devolves into crazy Virgin Mary inexplicabilities.
“…Virgin Mary you are not, because Mary was not a Virgin, and you are not a Mary.“
Huh?
This last line really bummed me out. For while he may be a psychopath, Ed is no dummy. His psychotic ramblings up to this point were positively literary! Also, how crazy do you have to be to find MARITAL sex sinful? Poor Ed. Destined to a life of unrequited love for an inflatable girl.
In fairness to Ed (though why I think he deserves fairness is beyond me), his comment ended up in Spam – which means he didn’t necessarily direct it at me – just at any blog having anything at all to do with motherhood. Though I guess I’m not really helping Ed out here. This means that he sent this psychotic crap out to a number of women.
Yikes.
And some of them might not have found him quite as amusing as I.
Ed winds down with this serial-killer-esque gem:
You were manipulated into just another life wasted on the heap of trash of a lost humanity dedicated to popular procreation and proletarian proliferation, to please the leaders of a domain of plebeians.
Hey! Ed knows all about alliteration. What a positively perfect position for a psychopath who preaches to parents!
Although this whole last passage makes me wonder if Ed even knows where babies come from. “Popular Procreation? Well, yeah. Of course it’s popular. It’s sex. And here’s a newsflash for you, Ed: most people come from the procreative act. Except of course, you, Ed. (now now – we don’t want to upset to upset the crazy man!)
Ed ends with this little gem.
Good bye, sad mothers, good bye, old cows, with dried-out utters and distorted hips, good bye, and so alone you all will die.
Good bye to you, too, Ed. Goodbye to what’s left of your sanity. And hello crazy-hood! You’re finally where you belong.
I just hope there aren’t any other people wherever that is. Because, you know, they might all have…..MOTHERS!
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