If any of you checks in regularly, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted in a while. I’d love to tell you that it’s because I’ve been busy fending off offers for my recently completed manuscript. But the only offers I’ve had lately are for subscriptions to More magazine — you know, the one for “mature” women. I wish I could tell you that I’ve been too busy with a life injected with new vigor by the recent election of Barack Obama. But the only thing I’ve even considered injecting is my forehead, with Botox, since the bridge of my nose looks as if someone etched the number eleven into it with a very deep chisel.
No the reason for my dereliction of duty is this: I have been sick in bed with a cold of plague-like proportions. The sore throat, the fever, the chills, the sneezing and coughing….I could have starred in my own Vicks commercial.
But has my suffering been in vain? Why of course not!
Here’s what I learned in my cold-induced stupor:
1. The quickest way to lose three pounds is to be so unenergetic as to not have the will to eat. Keep this in mind before your next big event: get a horrible, nasty cold the week before and you’ll look fabu come party time.
2. You can never watch too much What Not to Wear.
Stacey and Clinton: I love you. You are snarky and sarcastic and witty and stylish — all the things I’d be if I weren’t sick in bed with a lousy cold, the mother of two small children, and fast-moving toward the style-siberia of the over-fifty set.
From Stacey and Clinton I learned:
- There’s no such thing as a person who doesn’t look better in a pair of pants that fall straight from the hip and flare out at the bottom. (Something to remember when I re-gain my post-plague three pounds.)
- Lots of people out there think that they are stylin’, when in fact they are either throw-backs to the 80’s, hopelessly tacky, or walking around looking like they’d blow anything that walks for five bucks.
- When mixing patterns, one of them needs to be VERY subtle.
- Purple shoes ROCK.
- Making fun of people’s wardrobes makes them cry, and then have a complete and total revelatory experience that changes their lives forever.
Lest you think I wasted my entire sick-bed stay watching Stacey and Clinton, let me assure you, I did much more: I watched Clean House. From that show I learned that no matter how messy my house may be, I ain’t got nothing on the incredible slobs who sign on for that show. Also, that people will buy just about anything at a yard sale.
I also learned that (Stacey and Clinton’s advice notwithstanding) you can wear a big giant doofy looking flower in your hair every single day, and instead of it making you look like a big giant doofus, it could just be your signature. Go Niece Nash!