My last trip to Disney. Also without the kids!

Tomorrow morning, I leave for the Disney Social Media Moms conference.  A coveted ticket that I was honored, this year, to receive.

I could thank Disney for inviting me and my family to what promises to be a fantabulous weekend of conference, park, and perks.  I could thank them for the suitcase from American Tourister that I will never, ever NOT spy on the luggage carousel.  I could thank them for the sneak preview of Monsters Inc that I’ll be seeing on Saturday.  Or the room at the Contemporary Resort.  And I do thank them for all that.

But what I really want to thank them for, is letting me skip Mother’s Day.

I looked back over my Mother’s Day posts from years gone by.  There was Can I Have Mother’s Day Off?, and Mother’s Day: Thank God it’s Over.  And this year, over on the Mothers2Mothers Network, Hate Mothers Day? You’re Not Alone.

See a pattern here?

So that’s why I’m especially happy that this year, the Disney Social Media Moms conference (#DisneySMMoms to those in the know) is being held Mother’s Day weekend.  See, my kids decided not to join me at the conference.  (I know. Clearly they are insane) So I will be at the conference with my sister in law and niece.  (I am now solidified as The Favorite Aunt forever.) Which means that I get to skip Mother’s Day.

No faux sentiment.  No disappointment when it isn’t quite as special as I’d hoped.  No frustration when the kids whine because, well, they’re kids, no matter what day it is.  No Mother’s Day.

Plus, when I get home, it’ll still be – technically – Mother’s Day (well, Mother’s Night).  And since I’ll have been gone for four days, my kids will be excited to see me, and will greet me with hugs and genuine happiness to see me.

And that’s really all I ever wanted for Mother’s Day anyway.

It’s not all concrete and traffic cones. Take a look – A week of snapshots in Riverside Park, NYC.

Check out my very first piece on Mashable about Digital Tattletales, and why you should be one.

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When you guys were in second grade or so, Dad and I took you with us to our ballroom dancing class for your own lesson.  They taught you the Rhumba.  You were only kind of sort of into it.  But after a few bits of instruction, and maybe a few missteps – you were good at it.  And I remember thinking as I stood there, “is there anything more heartbreakingly sweet than watching your son and daughter dance the Rhumba?”

Well, having watched the two of you up here today – the answer is a resounding yes.

But it’s not just today. I’ve been watching you all year. Practicing apart, mostly, but for something you were working towards together.  Maybe one of you – I won’t say whom – wasn’t all that into it.  But you were good at it.  And in the past few weeks, I’ve watched and listened as you worked together. Practicing your parts, singing the songs, reading your speeches.

As you both mentioned in those speeches, we’ve been- as far as your Jewish education goes – kind of wandering Jews. We’ve tried ‘em all.  There was the school where the Rabbi told you the story of Adam and Eve was a myth.  Then the one where they told you that story was the foundation of everything…and finally, the one where they discussed the stories of the Torah without much emphasis on anything more than the story itself.

And I know that that wasn’t the easiest thing for you – all that moving around.  But what I was always looking for, (and yes, I’ll take the blame for all that wandering) was a way to make you feel connected to your Jewish roots.  Not to make you believers – because I know that for Avery that’s pretty seriously unlikely, and for Rachel, it’s already so  – But to give you a sense of community, of belonging to something greater than yourselves.

And watching both of you this past year studying with Phil has made me see that despite the wandering, or maybe because of it- you guys really have become part of the Jewish community.

Because  what you learned from all that moving around, was to look at things in different ways, that there’s not always one answer to any given question, that it’s OK to keep seeking. And that’s pretty Jewish, to see the world that way. I hope that as you go through life, you’ll continue to question the world around you. Challenge what you hear and read. Try to see things from every angle imaginable. I hope that whatever you choose to believe, you always believe in yourselves.  I hope that one day, you both feel the joy of watching your kids become Bar or Bat Mitzvah.   And as long as I’m hoping: I hope that when you do plan a party like this one, you find people as wonderful as Phil, and Amy to help you.  (Because if you don’t, you might not survive the experience.)

I hope you know how much your father and I love you.  How  proud of you we are.  Not just today – not just for learning to recite your Torah and Haf Torah – but for who you are: kind, funny smart, silly, crazy, infuriating, fabulous.

Lastly, I hope you know how lucky you are to have each other. It’s a special thing to have a twin to Rhumba through life with.  There may be times when you step on each other’s toes, or when you’re out of step, or when the rhythms of your lives don’t quite fit together.  But I hope you always keep that connection, leaning on each other, depending on each other for stability and support and sometimes grace.  I hope you dance through life –moving through your lives like a Rhumba – together, apart, together.

Canyon Ranch in Lenox, Massachusetts

That, at least, was what I thought to myself, as I sat in a sun-drenched, pristine white, spa-tastically scented midtown loft-space that was doing a turn as Canyon Ranch for the Day.

I don’t think I’m good enough for Canyon Ranch.

Why else would I  – I who agonize about my weight, and my wrinkles, and my everything else – never have treated myself to so much as a weekday overnight stay at what is arguably the premiere spa in the country?

Why else would I – I who has gone on an African Safari, a jaunt through Barcelona, a relaxing sojourn on St. John, and a nostalgic week in Paris all in the past three years — never have been willing to pay the admittedly high price of admission to a place that may have helped me in my never-ending quest to lose those last ten pounds?

It occurred to me, while, in the middle of a work day, I was in downward dog, eyeing the neatly lined up water glasses, all perfectly filled to the exact same invisible line, that I had had no problem going on all of those other trips because they were for the family.  Or they were about enrichment, broadening horizons.

They were not about taking care of me.

Now I’m not going to pretend that I’m some kind of self-depriver.  Far from it.  I pay for ridiculously over-priced spin classes; I shop at chic boutiques, I pay a not so small fortune to maintain my hair.

But a trip to Canyon Ranch?  That seems too self-indulgent.   I can say that the spin classes are local, and necessary because they are quick workout that lets me get right back to work.  I can say that I need the clothing and fancy hair cut to look my best to compete in business as a middle-aged woman in a young-person’s high-tech world.

But a trip to Canyon Ranch?  That would be just for me.

Oh, the horror.

It is, of course, partly expense.  A pair of shoes or a haircut is one thing.  A multi-thousand dollar weekend is quite another.  (And, truth be told, it is cost prohibitive)But even without the price tag – I know myself, and I know I wouldn’t do it.

The other day,  at the Canyon Ranch event, I had a mini hand treatment with the all-natural, preservative free, totally luxurious Red Flower products they feature at the Spa at Canyon Ranch.  Just those five minutes made me feel relaxed and refreshed.

I had the Canyon Ranch foot health team evaluate my stride and offer exercises to help my aching feet.

I ate a delicious sea food salad that was healthy and delicious, and not even the teeniest bit guilt inducing.  If I liked chocolate, I would have tried the healthy chocolate cake desert, too.

I even went up to the roof and made fire with two sticks and some twine-y stuff. (Well, I made smoke, a coal, and more smoke.  Evidently, where’s there’s smoke, there isn’t necessarily fire.)

Exercise, Indulgence, health, relaxation, survival skills.  Come to think of it, they’re all survival skills.

So why don’t I think I should have that?  Of course I’m not really talking about Canyon Ranch.  I’m talking about taking the time for me.  Whether that means actually making the time for Yoga, which I know makes me feel great, but for which I can never seem to spare the 90 minutes, or turning off the computer a few nights a week and knitting instead (which makes me feel skilled and creative), or forgoing an expensive hair cut or pair of shoes to spend a day or two at a fabulous spa, doing something that is – plain and simple – just for me.

Maybe it’s time  – whether we go or not – we all started taking the time for ourselves.  All of us women, worrying about work and kids, and partners, and parents, and last of all, ourselves.

Maybe it’s time we all went to that Metaphorical Canyon Ranch.  Took care of ourselves, valued ourselves, and indulged.

This white awareness ribbon is worn to raise consciousness of violence against women.

That social media and sex are intertwined is no surprise. What is surprising is how social media has become a weapon in sexual assaults of kids, tweens, and teens.
In Steubenville, Ohio, and in Torrington CT, and who knows how many other unreported places, social media is being used both during and after sexual assaults in shocking and disturbing ways.
In Stuebenville, the rapists (they’ve been convicted. I see no reason to mince words),not only committed the crime, but were so proud of it they shared it on their social media networks. The crime itself was horrific enough,but the fact that these rapists were so sure that what they were doing was perfectly acceptable behavior that posting it to Instagram seemed neither callous nor repugnant adds to that horror.  How did we get to the point where 17 year old students are so morally bereft that sexually assaulting an unconscious girl seems appropriate fodder for sharing with friends?

Now, in Torrington CT, two 18 year old men stand accused of statutory rape for their sexual assault of thirteen year old girls. The accused’s friends and classmates have overwhelmingly supported them, taking their support to Twitter with the hash tag #save Edgar. Others are using social media channels to blame and attack the victims.

Many have argued that the culture of celebrity – the criminals in both cases were high school football stars in supremely football focused towns – gave the young men a sense of invincibility. But that doesn’t seem enough to so completely skew everyone’s understanding of what rape is.

Of course blaming the victim of a sexual assault is nothing new. When I worked as a rape crisis counselor in an NYC hospital years ago, one of my primary roles was to protect the victim from being further victimized by police and hospital personnel. I would have hoped that some 20 years later, blaming the victim would be over. Instead, a new generation of kids is blaming victims in a very public, self righteous and disturbing way.

Social media has also made victims of child sexual abuse more vulnerable.  As this article in the New York Times Magazine explained, abusers who take photos and videos of their victims (and many do) put them on the internet where they live forever, getting traded and passed along for all eternity. This means that victims re-live their abuse every time a photo of themselves surfaces. The entire paradigm for treating such victims has been turned on its head because of the internet.  The standard treatment for those traumatized by abuse, was to remind them that what happened was in the past.  Now – there is no past.

To me, this connection between social ills and social media is particularly upsetting because I am a great believer in the power of social media to do good.  Social media can find a kidney donor for someone in need,  raise awareness of causes, and even – as in the Arab Spring – make a wholesale change in an entire nation’s way of life. But – as in most things — there is a flip side.   So while I’ve argued before that cyber-bullying is not as rampant and intense as some think, I do believe that one of the things that makes cyber-bullying worse than pre-social media bullying is its never-ending nature.  SnapChat notwithstanding – once it’s out there on the internet — it’s out there.  Added to that that clearly, social media is allowing perverts and criminals to exacerbate their crimes by sharing them with the world at large – and, well, that there is a darker side to social media is pretty undeniable.

Perhaps the instantaneous nature of social media has something to do with it. You don’t have to write a letter to the editor, fold it up, put it in an envelope, stamp it, and walk it to the post office to get your opinion out in front of people. Those steps gave people the time to consider what they were doing and back out. Social media allows us to snap a photo and hit send. Done. Maybe with built in delays gone, people’s’ filters don’t have time to kick in.

The internet and social media channels have also allowed like-minded people to find one another.  There are two sides to this coin, too.  Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” campaign allows who knows how many sruggling Gay young people to feel hopeful about their futures, and less isolated by their sexuality. On the other hand, the online world also allows child molesters to find each other and form a perversion of a “community,” making them feel normalized as well.

Let me be clear – I’m not saying social media is responsible for a decline in moral values, or for violence against women.  Only that instant access to a huge audience, unlimited and easy availability to online porn, and the increased ability for people with unconventional or unsavory views to find each other and thus feel legitimized in those views may have exacerbated an already dire situation.

So do we ban social media from our lives?  No. Just as with most things, moderation is key. But with nearly 40% of Americans spending more time socializing via the Internet than in real life, and almost a quarter admitting that they have missed out on experiencing important moments because they were trying to share said moments via their social networks  – well, moderation seems not be at play. (click here for the source)

So as parents, what can we do? How do you keep your kids from abusing social media, and from letting our culture of immediate gratification pervert their sense of right and wrong? The same way you always have:  by talking to your kids.

• Talk to them about how to use social media, about what to share and what not to share.
• Talk to them about online porn, so that they don’t see the objectification of women as normal, and don’t have unhealthy expectations of sex.
• Make sure they have face to face socializing time – and not just screen social time.  Social media can be a great way for shy kids to find friends, but those friend making skills will be worthless if your child doesn’t then use them in the real world.
• Don’t keep them from social media.  Face it, despite your best efforts, some day, some where, some how, your child will end up on a social media site, or a porn site and if they’ve never experienced it, never been told about it, and how to deal with what they might find there — well, then you have a problem.
• If you choose to let your kids play single shooter or other violent video games, talk to them about the difference between on-screen and real violence.  Discussing what’s going in Darfur, for instance, might balance out the emotionless nature of video game violence and make them think about what violence really means.
• Turn off your own devices and talk to your kids.  Yes, sometimes texting is the simplest, most stress free way to connect with a surly teen.  But you can’t make it a substitute for real conversation.

Beth Blecherman, a family tech and social media expert and advocate, says the tech talk is the new sex talk.  And I agree.  But sometimes, the tech talk is a sex talk. And a gun violence talk, and a morals talk.  And yes, it’s hard to have those talks.  And no, your kid doesn’t really want to talk about all that either.  But nobody said everything about parenting would be easy.  And nobody said your kid has to like every conversation you have.

But somebody has to say: “This is right, this is wrong.  This is reality, this is fantasy.  This social media world is your world – and here are some tools to help you live in it.”

Image via CrunchBase

Sheryl Sandberg wants us to Lean In. Marissa Meyer wants us to come in (to the office, that is.). New York Magazine wants to reignite the Mommy Wars by re-branding them as being between those who lean out and those who lean in.

But the truth is, the distinction between leaning out or in, working in the home, from the home, at an office, virtually or not at all…it’s all moot. There is a whole new category of working woman: the digital housewife.

There are precious few women these days who are leaning all the way out. Even self described stay at home moms are digitally connected. They write blogs, they tweet, they organize through Facebook. They shop online, keep track of schedules on their smartphones, organize charitable auctions online. And they do it all from home.

What’s leaning out about that?

I had an out-of-the-home career for twenty years. My leaving that career and starting my life as a “housewife” happened to coincide with the start of the social media revolution.

I started blogging and tweeting and somehow, four years later, ended up starting a tech company with a woman I met in the virtual space. We have part time employees.  We have vendors, and clients, and more than one dozen investors. And we work long hours– and we do it all (mostly) from home.

True confession: many’s the time I’ve made a meatloaf, cut some potatoes, and readied some broccoli for the microwave while on a conference call.  Folding laundry while strategizing with a client?  Sure. Making the beds while making deals? Why not?

Because the way I see it, tech start up or not, I’m still a wife and mother, and there’s still a house (well, apartment, anyway) to maintain. The family still needs to be fed.  And I want to be the one to do it.  If that makes me a housewife, I don’t have a problem with that.  It’s the perception of housewifery that I have a problem with.

The word Housewife conjures up images of endless, selfless hours spent baking cookies.  Of a woman incapable of having an opinion about anything other than the correct way to fold a fitted sheet. Housewives, we imagine, are just one step above slaves: unable to escape the drudgery.

Hah.

Most full-time stay at home moms I know are bloggers, or big time volunteers, or political activists, or are so involved in their children’s school that they ought to be paid.

They are leveraging technology to make their lives easier – buying their kids clothing online, keeping up with the news in real time, using apps to streamline errands. And then using the free time they have to take care of themselves and others. This isn’t drudgery.  This is making a life for yourself and your family. Neither leaning out nor in, but digging in and pulling out what life has to offer. Those are the (digital) housewives I know.

Do I live in a more privileged world than most?  Yes, I do.  This is Manhattan, after all.  And, like me, most of my friends are college educated.  But let’s face it, most of these discussions about leaning in or out, about needing to be at work to collaborate and generate ideas, aren’t about factory workers.  If you have any kind of choice at all about working or not, you are, by definition, lucky.

Am I luckier than most?  Yes I am. My husband is super-involved: every morning he makes coffee, sets the breakfast table, and gets the kids out of bed. And I have housekeeping help, too. I’m not the only one doing the laundry and picking up after the kids.

But does being lucky mean I’m any less of an entrepreneur, any less a mother or wife? I don’t think so.

I think being a woman in the 21st Century isn’t about either leaning in, or choosing to lean out, but about finding your own balance between work and home, colleagues and kids, cooking and  creating. It can be a precarious balance. And it’s different for everyone. It is hard; don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  But the beauty of being a Digital Housewife is that it helps us to be less off balance than the women who came before us.

Technology allows me run my business from my home: to supervise workers from afar, to Skype instead of traveling to meetings, to figure out what to make for dinner simply by inputting the ingredients I already have into a program and hitting enter. And yes, to make a meatloaf while I negotiate prices with vendors.

Is it perfect?  No.  Have I found the exact balance that makes it all work seamlessly?  Don’t be ridiculous.  I miss soccer games and sometimes have to push back a deadline.  I worry that I work too much, and play too little.  But so do lots of men with more traditional jobs – and you can bet they aren’t making any meatloaves from behind their desks.

So lean in and listen to this: I work.  I write. I run a company.  And I’m a housewife, and damn proud of it.

There’s a lot that surprises you when you start a website for kids.  Like the fact that it means you’ll be working nights and weekends pretty much from the day you launch.  Or the fact that having a tech start up isn’t all that different from having a baby.  It’s fun getting it started, it’s painful getting it launched, it burps and spits up a lot in the beginning, and then – hopefully – it goes out in the world on its own.  All grown up and ready for prime time.

But mostly, I learned a lot about and from the KidzVuz kids.  For example,  I had expected tons of videos about tech.  After all, a video review website for kids would naturally attract tech-savvy – even tech obsessed kids, right?  Wrong.  Our number one category is…(drum roll please) BOOKS!  Yep.  Kids, reading and talking about it. I love that.

And since, last summer, when I spoke at the Digital Family Summit in Philadelphia, I asked a room full of digital-kids whether they read books or e-books, and they all — every single one  of them – said books….well, since that happened, I assume the book reviews we are getting are about books that were read on good old fashioned paper.

I kind of like that thought.

Another surprise is that – despite what you hear about cyber-bullying,  in my experience, kids online are remarkably nice.  With thousands of reviews and comments logged, we have had barely any that were truly mean.  Maybe three.  (And since we review every comment and watch every review before it goes up, the only people who saw those few comments were KidzVuz employees.)

What we knew when we launched KidzVuz was that Kids needed a place to be heard.  The internet is full of places that tell kids about all kinds of stuff – from celebrities and fashion, to history and art.  But there aren’t too many places where kids do the telling.  And what we found was – kids have a lot to say.

And about a lot of things, too.  They talk about travel, and music, and crafting. They describe books and movies.  They show off pets…and baby sisters.

And with a little bit of guidance – before kids leave a review they have to answer some questions about what they’re reviewing –  they say it quite well.  We don’t just hear from kids that they liked a movie, book, or restaurant.  We hear why.  What was good about it, what wasn’t so good, and who else they think might enjoy it.  What surprised me was, even when kids didn’t particularly like something they reviewed, they could always find something nice to say, think of someone else they know who would like it for themselves.

That was something cool to learn from kids:  there’s always a positive angle. In the online kid community, snarkiness is less common than niceness.  I like that.

So in the end what I’ve learned from KidzVuz is this: Kids, given the chance, the space, and the guidance, will consistently do great things.  Be nice to each other, think critically about the things they love, and be thrilled to share it all in an online world.

Sbarro (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

True confession:  Sbarro has always seemed to me to be kinda…well, kinda NOT the kind of place I’d like to eat.  Here in NY, the Sbarros are mostly in super-high-traffic areas, like Times Square and Penn Station.  Not places I hang out, and certainly not places I’d go to eat.  Plus, this is NYC.  If I want pizza, a chain store is not my first choice.

But that was before I went to Sbarros to make some pizza.

Take a look:
[View the story "Sbarro's 270 Calorie Skinny Slice" on Storify]

The new connected appliances from Whirlpool.

It’s been more than a month since I returned from Las Vegas and the 2013 Consumer Electronics Show. And while many a techno geek is still probably fantasizing about the cool new super thin, super crisp TV’s (and the booth babes who displayed them), I can’t get my mind off something else.  Though I am loathe to admit it, the (not even so) new crop of smart appliances are haunting my dreams.

Part of it is my own, sorry set of appliances, none of which are manufactured by companies that even exist anymore.  My 15 year old refrigerator, by the so under the radar you’d think is was defunct Amana, is starting to go both physically (falling shelves), and functionally (everything in the fruit and veggie drawers freezes!).  My Stove is by Magic Chef, a company that doesn’t even manufacture stoves anymore.  It no longer heats up all that well – so many’s the time I’ve called everyone in for dinner only to find out the chicken was still a bright, bloody pink!

So imagine how I felt, looking at the beautiful new Whirlpool White Ice appliances.  Sleek. Beautiful.  Presumably NOT freezing everything and properly cooking everything.  Just seeing them got me thinking that Stainless Appliance are just so…aughts.  Plus, some Whirlpool^® Appliances have 6th Sense Live^™, which let you manage your refrigerator temperature, lock your dishwasher control console or know when your cycle is done. They can even help you save on energy costs, just by tracking usage.

The gas range in the collection offers super-fast pre-heating (mine takes forever), a big giant window to see what’s cooking without disturbing temperature (not that I need that option, since my current oven is never at the proper temperature anyway), and a built in convection option, for even faster cooking and better browning (I got nothing.).

Check out the collection here:

It wasn’t just Whirlpool, I drooled over the awesome (and not yet available) Samsung T9000 which  has a 10-inch Wi-Fi-enabled touchscreen and includes apps such as my favorite Epicurious for recipes and Evernote for note-taking.  The refrigerator’s grocery manager helps you keep track of what you’re putting into itand lets you set an expiration date with a simple drag and drop interface.  Then, when the time comes, a note pops up on the screen letting you know what’s about to expire.

Next thing, they’ll have built in calorie counters, so you don’t overeat.

Or built in Soda Streams.  Oh, wait.  Samsung just announced that, too.

Sadly, in this the year of the B’nai Mitzvah, all I can do is wait  at home for the refrigerator repairman tomorrow. Because frozen lettuce makes a really lousy salad.  And my kids can wait for a roast chicken.  No matter how hungry they are.