Unless you’re living under a rock (or a large stack of diapers), you must know by now that The Academy Awards are tonight.
Honestly, do these people need an excuse to look even more fabulous than usual? Do they really need to celebrate themselves? They’re already rich, famous, and have way better hair than the rest of us. So this year, I’m hosting my own awards: The Momcademy Awards: awards given to mothers who go above and beyond the call of duty every day of the year.
Because even thought movie stars walk the red carpet, and all we get to do is vaccum it, even though they get high-brow swag and all we get is middle-aged sag, we Moms deserve awards too.
So roll out the scotch guarded carpet, get your g-rated acceptance speech ready, and put on your best pair of staying-at-home sweats because it’s time to say…
And the Momcademy Award goes to….
1. Best Make-Up: To the mom who manages to look well rested though she has five kids: three sick ones, one whiny one, and one permanently attached to her right hip, she hasn’t slept through the night in six months, her blow-dryer is on the fritz, and the closest thing she’s had to a facial is when the baby spit egg onto her face. This woman does wonders with a tube of lipstick, a little mascara and a vat of Vaseline.
2. Best Set Design: To the Mom whose house looks neat enough for company only four minutes and thirty-two seconds after her four year old twins decided to have a Finger Painting Festival on the (white) living room couch.
3. Best Art Direction: To the mom who looked at her four year old’s painting and correctly identified the green part as the sea (not the lawn), the square thing with windows as a boat (not a house) and the bright yellow blob in the sky as herself. (note to self: speak to colorist)
4. Best Supporting Actress: To the Mom who smiled endlessly at an incredibly boring business function because she was there supporting her husband even though said husband can never manage to support her by taking the kids to even one lousy movie on a Sunday afternoon so she could have a moment — just a bit of time — all to herself.
5. Best Costume Design: To the Mom who realized she had left the only dress that still fits her at the dry cleaners just fifteen minutes before she was supposed to be at the biggest social event of the year. Yet still managed to make herself a fabulous outfit from a bed-sheet, a pair of pantyhose, and a Hannah Montana costume from her daughter’s dress-up box.
6. Best Adaptation of a Story for the other Moms at School: To the bragging mom on the carpool line who told everyone her son was invited to a special, invitation-only, think-tank for teens. (For which he left, escorted, in the middle of the night. Plus it’s in Utah, in the wilderness, and he’s allowed no contact with the family for the first three weeks. You figure it out.)
7. Best Performance by a Mother feigning nonchalance in a publicly embarrassing situation: to the amazingly composed mother of a five year old who began screaming out in the restaurant: “Mommy! Mommy! Look! That fat lady over there is eating french fries! It’s just like you said: French Fries aren’t good for you! And look! She’s eating french fries and she’s FAT!” (That would be my award, by the way)
8. Best Show of Self-Control: To the mother who did not throw an entire pot of pasta out the window when, after having asked fourteen times what the kids wanted for dinner, verified that pasta and chicken nuggets was indeed what they wanted, then cooked the stupid tortellini and chicken, had both kids say that they no longer wanted chicken nuggets, no longer liked tortellini, and wonder whiningly how come she never makes anything they like, anyway.
9. Best Actress: To the Mom who pretends to be Barbie (with smaller boobs, and able to stand on her own. Except for that one New Year’s eve a while back. But let’s not go there.) Then pretends to be a My Little Pony, then a stuffed bear, a baby, a slice of pizza, and finally Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address — all within one afternoon spent with her child.
10. Lifetime Achievement Award: To the mother with a house that’s mess, kids that won’t eat anything, a dry cleaner who lost that “sole” dress that still fits her, who finds out that the fingerpaint the kids used isn’t washable, and who has she just discovered that she’s “late., ” — and who still manages to feign surprise when her two year old pops out of the hamper for the thirty-second time that day, to say exactly the right thing to avoid a(nother) tantrum from her four year old, and to get dinner and home-made cookies (ok, ok, slice and bake cookies) on the table in time for dinner.
11. Best Picture: To the mother who figured out how to use the timer on the new digital camera that also takes video, sends text messages, and makes pannini, got all three kids, the dog, and the husband smiling and looking into the camera for the annual holiday card. Of course she, herself, was only half-way into the shot, and that half was,needless to say, her bad half. But still, everyone else looked good, and if you’re a mom, well, what else can you hope for?
Thanks for joining us for this year’s Momcademy awards. Join us for the next awards ceremony: The Mammy’s: best musical interpretations by tone-deaf moms, wanna be performer moms, and the kids that love them.