Don’t tell me you missed it! Yesterday was National Underwear Day! I know, I know, it crept up on me, too. I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was honoring my underpants on their special day. The folks at Clorox were kind enough to send me an email reminding me about this all-important holiday, and exhorting me to keep my tidy whities, well, their whitey-est by using — what else? — Clorox! That reminder meant I was ready to celebrate yesterday by giving my underwear a day off! As a public service, I’d like to let you know that this Friday, August 10, is National S’Mores Day. Really. The Hershey’s people told me. It’s a real holiday. And since I know you won’t want to miss another big day,here is a list of more super-important National holidays:
1. National Bad Hair Day – No need to wear a hat, put in a ponytail holder, or otherwise try to tame your tresses. For once, the sleek haired few will have no reason to celebrate. Frizzy girls unite!
2. National handkerchief Day – Underwear isn’t the only small piece of cotton that helps you cope with bodily secretions to get its own day! Celebrate the Snot Rag on its special day!
3. National Eat Everything You Want and Don’t Gain Weight Day: ‘Nough said.
4. National Deodorant Day – Think what life would be like without deodorant: the stench in your teenaged son’s bedroom would waft into the dining room just as you sat down to eat with that woman from school who always did think your kids were sub par. Doing the laundry would require a gas mask. And a trip to the gym could land you in a stench induced coma. See? Deodorant does deserve its own day.
5. International Don’t Call Me Day – The world over celebrates this day, when no annoying solicitors can call your house, mispronounce your name, give a long-winded speech, and then ask for money. If they do, you are legally allowed to call them daily until the next International Don’t Call Me Day, and blast vuvuzelas in their ears.
6. National Appendix Day – The poor lowly appendix. Never celebrated. Only mentioned with the suffix “itis” at its end. This is your chance to pay homage to its unique uselessness, its utter lack of purpose, and its staunch refusal to cede to evolutionary imperatives and cling to your innards for all its worth.
7. National Agree with Your Mother Day — lucky for you, this holiday only applies to people under the age of 30. Which means your kids have to agree with you, but you can still roll your eyes at everything your own mother says. Talk about a reason to celebrate!