Forget Taco Bell! I’m Gonna Sue Everybody!

tacoLast week, someone brought a law suit against Taco Bell saying their beef tacos only contain 35% meat, a charge Taco Bell vigorously denies.  I find the law suit ridiculous on oh, so many levels. First, what did the person think?  That Taco Bell was health food?  Second, what did she do? Take her taco to a nutrition lab and have it analyzed? Where do people come up with this stuff?

But it did get me thinking.  There are a lot of times I feel I’m just not being given 100%.  And I’m gonna sue:

1. My Children – for only listening 50% of the time (and I’m being generous here)  For only picking up after themselves 20% of the time.  For making me feel like I must have done something wrong to deserve…whatever it is they’re dishing out, just about 100% of the time they’re dishing…whatever it is they’re dishing. (Whew!)

2. My Body – for taking 25% longer to recover from a night out with the girls.  For gaining 2 of% my body weight every year since I turned 40.

3. The Weather – for snowing 80% more than I’d like it to this winter. For being 87% too humid for my frizz-ball of a head in the summer, and for making Fall and Spring – the most tolerable of seasons – last only 20% of the year.

4. Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann for only looking into the camera 5% of the time during her “official” Tea Party response to Barack Obama’s State of the Union address.  Also – for only telling 10% of the truth about how much responsibility the Republican party has for the current financial crisis.  And for wearing 30% too much make-up.

5. The Cast of Jersey Shore – For being on 100% too many magazine covers, for being 100% more famous than they deserve to be.  For drinking 110%  too much.  For taking up even .1% of my consciousness.

6. The word “Like” as in “he was like…and then I was like” for being used by 90% of the intelligent, educated people I know (including me), when it’s not even .001% grammatically correct.

7. Bagels – for having 60% more calories than I thought they did, and for being the ruin of the diets of perhaps 88% of the Jewish women in New York City currently trying to lose ten pounds.

8. Fashion Magazines – for writing tons of articles about how horrible eating disorders are, about how you can be beautiful at any size, and then using models who are painfully skinny 100% of the time.

9. Justin Beiber. No percentages here.  He just bugs me.

10. People (especially men) who say “hmmmm” a lot when you’re talking. Because Hmm is really only man-speak for “I am not listening to anything you say. Damn, the Lakers lost again!”

11. Acronyms – because – FYI -about 80% of the time,  it takes longer to decipher the GD things than it would to just write them down in the first place. IMHO. (LOL)

12. The phrase LOL – see Justin Beiber, above.

I figure most of these lawsuits are a slam dunk. Though I might have to sue myself under the “people who use cliches in their writing” category for putting that way.

What’s that?  You don’t like my list?  So sue me.


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