They either make my butt look too big, or too broad. They accentuate my gut or give me muffin top. They are jeans. The bane of my existence. My dream is to be able to look good in a white t-shirt, a pair of jeans, and some flip flops. But it seems that my genes won’t let me look good in my jeans.
If any of you have been paying attention, you’ll know that for the past several months, I’ve been writing for 23andMe as one of their founding community members in the Pregnancy Community. (And no, I’m not preggers. I just have been – thus, I qualify.) According to my genes, I am at a slightly elevated risk for obesity. According to my genes, I will never look good in the aforementioned jeans, t-shirt and flip flops ensemble. According to my jeans, my genes are correct.
I find it almost impossible to buy jeans. If they’re “classic cut” they make my butt look like North Dakota – wide and flat. If they’re low cut – well, where do I begin? How are you supposed to wear underwear with those low-cut jeans? And if you’re not supposed to wear underwear (yuck!), then what are you supposed to do with your – ahem – furry bits? Brazillian? I don’t expect to rhumba any time soon. Plus, I find it more than slightly offensive that men – with their hairy backs, fuzzy butts, and occasional ear hair, deem it “sexy” for a grown woman to be hairless “down there.” Call me crazy, but that smacks of pedophilia to me.
Then there’s the question of how to keep those low-cut jeans from falling down. Many’s the time I walked behind a teenage home-boy, wondering how he does it. It truly is a miracle of fashion physics. Their pants stay up, even with their waistbands way down.
SO I was already worried enough about my jeans, when suddenly my genes had to complicate things.
According to my genes, I am also at greater risk for developing diabetes. Yet this doesn’t phase me. Genes only slightly influence diabetes. I figure that if I exercise and eat right, it won’t be a problem. But obesity? I’m a girl who watches each cookie I eat deposit itself as fat on my upper thighs. I am a girl who almost always buys the size large. I am the girl with back-muffin-top. You know, at the bra line? This obesity gene – is serious business. IT’S FREAKING ME OUT!
And because of that diabetes risk, I can even have a pint of chocolate chip mint to soothe my worried mind.
Darn you, jean-etics!