Yesterday, Katie Couric’s eponymous new talk show, Katie, was all about Heidi Klum. And I was there. The special guest, right in the middle of her very public divorce, was super-model Heidi Klum. As an official blogger for the show that day, I got a literal front row seat, so I can now categorically state that Heidi Klum is the most beautiful person I have ever seen up close.
Which is why I was determined to find a flaw.
Heidi Klum is the kind of beautiful that a normal person wouldn’t even be jealous of because her beauty is so totally and completely beyond the realm of regular folk that you couldn’t possibly compete.
Did you notice I said “normal person”?
Who’s normal? Not me. I have always been jealous of physical beauty. I have always wondered what it would be like to be so beautiful that you look in the mirror and want to marry yourself. What must it be like to simply know you are perfection?
Heidi knows….or does she?
I began a systematic assessment of the super model-super-mogul-super mom:
Teeth: perfectly white and straight
Hair: Perfectly tousled and sexy (no cookie cutter straight blow out for Heidi!)
Body: Long, lean, lithe.
This wasn’t going well. Not a flaw in sight. I had to dig deeper, look beyond what one usually associates with perfection:
Hands: long fingers, perfect nails.
Ears: Teeny, flat against her head (aargh! My ears are horrible!)
Is there nothing wrong with this woman? I had all but given up when Heidi began to talk about her toenails. Yep. Toenails. This is a woman so used to being on national television that she’s perfectly comfortable talking about her TOENAILS!
Turns out, Heidi stubbed her toe, then put her feet into super uncomfortable shoes for work. (Ah, the downside of super-modeling: uncomfortable shoes! I knew there had to be something.) She damaged her toe so badly, the toenails fell off and, since she was required to wear open toed shoes (probably to be a perfect Victoria’s Secret Angel, with a perfectly flat stomach, like, four days after giving birth) she – are you ready? – GLUED THEM BACK ON!
This had to be it! You can’t lose a toe nail, glue it back on, have it fall off again, and then have normal looking feet, right?
How do I know? Because I was close enough to Heidi that when she took off her impossibly high LeBoutin’s for a moment to show Katie how her toes were doing, I could see that they were perfect.
Heidi Klum. Perfect from head to toe.
And me? Still not normal.