I Confess…

shushing women

shushing women

We all have our secrets. Those little things we do and feel that we don’t want anybody to know about. Here are a few of mine, in the hopes that reading them will make you feel a little bit better about your own dark thoughts.

1. I Love bread.

Saying that, I kinda feel like Harry Potter saying Lord Voldemort’s name out loud, people are actually frightened to hear that. Bread is now the dieters enemy. And rice, and pasta, and cereal, and any number of other foods that I simply cannot do without.

I know, I know, carbohydrates make you fat. But going through life without bread from Amy‘s or Eli‘s or Blue Duck Bakery in Southampton — well, that would make me miserable. I cannot get over how many people have told me they have completely cut bread out of their diets. Give me a break. It’s bread — not arsenic.

And if that’s so horrifying to you, pass me a baguette on your way out.

2. I need a cup of coffee every day.

Some people who hear this about me are aghast: “You have to stop drinking coffee! You’re addicted! ” they say. To them I say “So what – it isn’t smack!!” It’s not as if I’m sneaking into dark alleys to score some coffee, or shooting it up in some crack den. It’s not like I’m gonna throw over a grocery store just so I can mainline caffeine.

My husband makes me a cup every morning, and I drink it. So there. It’s coffee, for goodness sake. Get a grip.

3. I only weigh myself after I’ve gone to the bathroom— so I can feel that much better about my weight.

I also won’t weigh myself fresh out of the shower (extra water weight). During my period (bloat weight), or any day when I feel I may be up a pound. (Why depress myself?)

4. I drink White Wine with Red Meat

Shocking, I know. A symbol of my lack of sophistication, an emblem of my inability to appreciate the finer things. Or maybe, just a way to keep from getting a horrendous headache the next day. Red wine gives me a headache, white does not. There are those who would say that it’s impossible to appreciate a glass of wine if it’s drunk with the wrong food. I say, if you have enough of said wine, any food will do. If that’s so disturbing to you, report me to the American Sommelier Association. Really, there is one.

5. I’m going to let my kids have Lunchables one day for lunch.

This one,surely is raising the hackles of every organic snack giving, hormone-free milk serving mother in America. But hear me out. For years, I wouldn’t let my kids have fast food. And then one day, on a long drive in the middle of nowhere, they were hungry, and there was nowhere to go but a certain fast food restaurant. So we ate at the restaurant and they loved it. Until they both got sick, and I had to pull over to the side of the road while they hurled it all up. Some Happy Meal. Now, they’d rather starve than eat fast food.

I’m hoping for the same effect with the totally gross-looking Lunchables. Cold pizza with un-melted cheese? Room temperature tacos? I’ll give it to ’em once, and pack an extra barf bag in their lunch boxes.

5. I look at other women in my non-competitive yoga class and feel smug when I’m more flexible than they are. Don’t judge me. I have few enough chances to feel physically superior to other women.

6. I’m not ashamed of any of my confessions.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to gourmet market, buy some ready-made dinner, and pass it off as my own at a dinner party tonight.

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