Now that it’s all over, now that John McCain has gone back to Mavericking, and Barak Obama has gone on to make history, now that Joe Sixpack only has empties, Joe Biden has the Vice Presidency, and Joe the Plumber has gone back to doing whatever it is an unlicensed plumber does, I can’t help but wonder: what’s Sarah Palin going to do?
Here are some ideas for What Sarah Palin Can do, now that she won’t be in the runner-up position, ready to assume the winner’s duties, should, for some reason, he be unable, unwilling, or unelected to fulfill them:
1. She could start her own line of eye-wear.
I’m not talking just any eyeglasses. I’m talking the kind that Sarah Palin has. The kind that let you see who the “real Americans’ are. With these glasses, everyone would know who was a “real American” and who was just a tax paying, law-abiding, free-choice supporting, Chardonnay drinking liberal. They’d know who they could sell a house to (not some un-American), who they should hire for a new job (no un-Americans allowed!), who they should allow to marry (un-Americans need not apply.)
They’d sale like moose-cakes.
2. She could be her own action figure.
Imagine the possibilities!! Paratrooper Palin! Comes clad in her own skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots with an additional $150,000 wardrobe fit for any climate! Six pack, moose and rifle sold seperately.
3. She could host her own game show:
Are you Smarter Than a Vice Presidential Candidate? Regular Americans would face-off against the political beauty and try not be stumped by such tough questions as: what newspapers do you read? What does the Vice President do? And can you spell MAVERICK?
4. She could get her own show on Fox News.
Sadly, I’m not joking. She’d fit right in: no regard for facts, no ability or desire to hide her complete and total bias, and an uncanny ability to make the absurd seem reasonable. Plus, she could break up that boring old news genre with a talent portion of the show each night.
Monday Night: Moose Dressing (by which I mean undressing, in the most permanent sense.)
Tuesday night: Pageant Walking (thanks Tina Fey),
Wednesday Night: A guest appearance by Todd…and his snow mobile (how manly)!
Thursday Night: guess how many more babies I’m going to have game, and
Friday Night: a duet with former US Attorney General John Ashcroft of “Let the Eagle Soar” fame.
It’ll be a ratings phenomenon.
5. She could land on an aircraft carrier (clad in her skin-tight fatigues and spiked army boots) and declare victory for John McCain.
The Republicans already have a precedent for this. Declare war whether you’re right or not, then declare victory whether you’ve won or not. There are endless permutations along these lines: declare knowledge, whether you have any or not, declare experience whether you’ve had any that’s relevant or not, declare maverick status every chance you get.
6. She could go back to Alaska just in time for the frigid, snowy, winter, get trapped in her home by an avalanche, and then float away sometime in the early spring when the thaw comes much earlier than expected because of global warming, and never be seen or heard from again.
Hey, I can dream, can’t I?