Mom for President!

With the conventions over, and Sarah Palin’s nasty speech somehow energizing the right, it’s starting to seem as if the Republicans are going to win.

Something must be done.   So I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring.  I’m running on the MOM platform.  And it’s not an acronym.  I’m running as a Mom, on the issues that matter to Moms and here’s where I stand.

1.  The Economy

Where does all the kinzcash go?  Really, I’d like to know.  My son and daughter often choose to play on the Webkinz website for their allowed thirty minutes of screen-time each day.  There, they earn Kinzcash for doing jobs, and playing games.  Yet they never seem to have enough Kinzcash to buy the things they need for their pets, like a new chew toy, or a large screen tv. (And really, what virtual penguin doesn’t need a 55″ plasma?) America needs to start putting a little kinzcash in the bank for that sick-day when all screen-time rules go out the window, and they play on the computer all day.

2. Healthcare – These two scenarios illuminate my stance on the issue:

a)    Your child has just thrown up on the dry-clean only comforter you paid way too much for because it was on sale, even though the sale price was more than you would have spent on a comforter at regular price. She is running a fever of 101.5.  Do not call your pediatrician.  It is hysterical parents, not lawsuits, that are driving up the cost of health care.  Unless the vomiting is projectile, and the fever over 104, just accept that your kid is sick, get a grip, get a rag to clean up the puke, and deal with it.

b)    You have caught whatever it is your daughter has, and have just thrown up on your professionally blow-dried hair which you now will have to wash and will never look quite as fabulous again.  You have a fever of 99 point nothing.  Call your husband.  Tell him he has to pick up the kids. Call him again, tell him you are too ill to clean the house, and you’ve called a maid service.  And a restaurant that delivers.  Steaks.  Then make yourself a cup of tea, curl up in bed with that book you never had time to read, and give yourself some universal health care.

3. War
I am against intervention unless absolutely necessary.  If they’re fighting over a toy let them work it out.  No need for the Superpower (aka MOM) to step in.  If they descend into blows, break it up quickly and get out.  No need to stick around and become the object of their misplaced rage.

4. Freedom of Choice
I support a woman’s right to choose not to have sex with her husband because a day spent racing around to afterschool activities, cleaning up pukey bedspreads (see above) and generally feeling gross did not exactly put her in the mood for love.  More like in the mood for a pint of ice cream and a Sex in the City marathon.

I support a woman’s right to choose to have sex with her husband because after a day spent running errands, making beds, making dinner, helping with homework, and Simonizing the car, she deserves to feel like something other than a slave to motherhood.  She deserves to feel like the sexy woman she really is.

5. The Sanctity of Marriage
Puh-leeeze!  The sanctimony of this idea is more like it.  Marriage is messy, and angry and funny and supportive and infuriating and gratifying and really really hard.  If two people want to enter into marriage, knowing all of that, who am I to say no?  Two men, two women, hey, I’ll even go all out and say a man and a woman – as long as they love each other, should be free to get married.  Along with that right should come the freedom to rely on the other person to walk the dog, remember to buy more milk, do the laundry once in a while, and tell you you look beautiful when you’re covered in cat hair, wearing your 1980’s vintage “Duran Duran” t-shirt and you’ve not yet lost your post-partum fifteen (though your “baby” is five and a half).

So there you have it, my platform.  My campaign strategy is simple:  everyone should read this, pass it on, and then write me in.  There will be a ground swell of support.  And then I’ll be vilified as the female Ralph Nader (albeit with more fashion sense.)

So maybe I should forget the write in campaign.  Although I did really want to hand out my “MOMS for a Change” lunchboxes on the campaign trail.   Because while there may those who would have immediately thought of a diaper change, I wouldn’t have minded.  ‘Cause you gotta admit, there’s a whole lot of crap in Washington to clean up. And nobody’s better at cleaning up crap than a good ole M.O.M.

This post originally appeared in a slightly different form at


  1. says

    Hilarious!! I’m definitely voting for you. I can’t wait until we break away from the stultifying 2-party system and the MOM party can be established. Now that’s a platform I can get behind (especially while wearing platforms).

    And you’d have to work pretty darn hard to be as vilified as Nader–but hey, it’s always good to aim high!


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