Let’s face it, every year, we all make New Year’s resolutions, and every year, we fail to keep even one of them. So this year, I’m not going to bother. Instead, I’m telling other people what New Year’s Resolutions I’d like them to keep. Because, you know, who doesn’t need a little advice from someone who can’t even keep her own resolutions?
1. Resolve not to One-Up Everything Everyone Else Says – Oh, you know who you are. We say “We’re going Skiing in Vermont this year.” and you say “We’re going skiing in Davos.” We say “I baked cookies with the kids today,” You say, “The kids and I made profiteroles this afternoon.” And it’s not just one-upping the good stuff, you one-up our bad news, too: we say “my friend had a heart attack” and you say “My friend had a massive stroke and will never be able to speak or dress himself again.”
Nobody likes a braggart.
2. Resolve to call customers, customers. Because if I am your guest, why am I paying you?
3. Resolve to Control Your Kids – I love kids. I do. I think they’re cute, and funny, and sweet. It’s the parents I have a problem with. If your kid is a little performer – bully for you. I’m sure you love it, grandma loves it. Your friends with their own kids? Not so much. I don’t blame the little performers for their constant repetitions of Call Me Maybe, complete with disarmingly adorable dance moves. They’re kids. I blame the parents for not realizing that not everyone wants to watch the “not my cute kid show” on an endless, live loop.
The five-year-old’s rendition of Ne-Yo‘s Let Me Love You might have been cute the first time, but by the fourth time – it’s your job to hit the off button.
4. Resolve Not to Seat Me at the Worst Table in the Restaurant – Yes, you, hostess. Why must you, when the restaurant is nearly empty, seat me next to the bathroom, or directly opposite the bus station so I can see the dirty dishes pile up? I hate that.
5. Resolve to Carry Breath Mints and use them. You know who you are.
6. Resolve to Stop Staying “Not to be mean, but” and then say something mean.
7. Resolve Not to Say things Like “I don’t get Twitter” in a disparaging tone to people who work in social media for a living.
8. Resolve not to talk about your workouts, your health, or your renovation. Nothing is more boring than listening to someone talk about how much/how hard/how often they work out. You’re an exercise fanatic, good for you, boring for the rest of us. Cataloging your ailments runs a close second in the boring department. We really don’t need to know the exact definition of a fistula. And renovations? Fabulous Anne Sachs tiles notwithstanding, the only reason we care about your bathroom is if we really, really, have to go, and it happens to be nearby.
9. Resolve NOT to tell me what happens at the end of Breaking Bad because even though the show is long over, I am still watching the final season on Netflix and I really don’t want you to ruin it for me. And while you’re at it, resolve not to act like I’ve committed a crime by not having watched Downton Abbey. Ever.
10. Resolve not to whistle on public transport. Would you sing on the M86 Crosstown? I didn’t think so. Then don’t whistle, either.
Do all these, and we’ll all have a Happy (well, Happier) 2013! Happy New Year!