The Secret Messages in Your SpamBox

I love it when comment spam reads like the frantic ramblings of an over-educated, underdeveloped whack job:

Pretty portion of content. I simply stumbled upon your website and in accession capital to claim that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your weblog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing for your feeds and even I success you get right of entry to constantly quickly.”

Not that I don’t appreciate the feedback about my “weblog.” (Is weblog even a word?).  I think this spammer successed quite well. And I appreciate that I can get right of entry constantly quickly.  It’s just that it would be nice if the spam didn’t read as if it were written by Cookie Monster.  Seriously, read that comment again, only imagine Cookie Monster is saying it.  See?  Cookie Monster on acid.

Lots of spam is hard to figure out. Luckily, I’ve cracked the code. So here is some of my most recent spam It’s not made up. This is it in its unedited form. And I’ve translated it into English.

1. I don’t create a ton of responses, but i did a few searching and wound up here About  From Hip To Housewife. And I do have 2 questions for you if you usually do not mind. Is it simply me or does it look as if like some of these comments look as if they are written by brain dead individuals? :-P  And, if you are posting on other social sites, I would like to keep up with everything new you have to post. Could you make a list of the complete urls of all your shared sites like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

Why no, I usually do not mind at all!  Except for one teeny weeny little thing, the translation of this spam comment is this: I am a stalker.  I will appear at your window late at night.  I will break into your apartment and steal your underwear.I will carve your initials into my forearm with a prison spoon.

I am not brain-dead, just really really creepy.

2.Wow you website really good. Value I to see the hope can with. Very often I come and see you through any new story is my greatest happiness ha ha a little humor. Thank you oh

My favorite part of this comment? ” Value I to see the hope can with.”  My seventh grade English teacher, Miss. Peacock (no, really.) would have had a field day diagramming that one.  Translation:  I am a bot programmed by someone with severely limited knowledge of English.  OR I am not a bot, just a bar girl with a dream. Ha ha a little humor! Thank you oh.

3.Last van erectiestoornissen? Dan is Viagra echt iets voor jou! Wil je direct viagra kopen? Dan kan dat natuurlijk ook!

Translation:  I have a small penis.

Subtext: I may be a strapping Dutch or Swede or some Norse kind of guy, I may be buff, blond, and beautiful, but (insert translation, above.)

4.axeulq mtnfdk wgggzr unsnyj nisjnz uczgpv iqxiof ubbius euxojq

I don’t know how this one ended up in Spam.  This clearly is not Spam at all.  Translated, this mis-filed as spam comment means: Your blog is wonderful.  I have waited all my life for a post as insightful, humorous, and downright life-changing as this.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for adding to my life immeasurably with your astonishing command of the English language.  I salute you.

Now, why would anyone think that was spam?

Comments

  1. says

    I’ve had a spate of duplicate comments lately, as in someone will leave a real comment and then bots will attempt to make the same word-for-word comment, on the same post. Weird tactic.

    • says

      Not necessarily. If one comment got past your site’s spam filters, the spammer is assuming their comment will too if the replicate the text. I imagine they’re doing this to also include a link to their website in their signature in the belief that will somehow improve SEO.

  2. says

    I am new to blogging and I get these spam comments all the time. I was baffled by what they meant. Thank you for decoding it for me…and making me laugh in the process. I’m going to have to share this one with my friends!

  3. cabinart says

    Great interpretations of these spams! (Hi Shannon – thanks for sending me here!)

    “Weblog” is the word from which we get the abbreviated “blog”. It is a “log” or a journal on the web – thus, weblog.

    And my blog gets tons of these in its spam file too – they are by folks who are trying to learn English without benefit of hearing it spoken. They are coming from other countries, and trying to create a contact so they can sell you something.

    I’m doubting that either of us has any interest in what it is they are selling!

    • says

      Sorry to burst your bubble – but they are bots. It’s lovely to think that they are people trying to learn English, but when you get the exact same weirdly phrased “comment” fourteen times, chances are, it wasn’t a person who put it there.

      And as for weblog — I know where it comes from, but it’s kind of like dungarees, or cellular telephone, brassiere. Most people just say jeans or cell phone or bra.
      And as for selling something – there you are totally correct!! They are hoping their hyperlink will make it up onto my site (or yours) and they will get traffic.

      NOPE!

      • cabinart says

        Thanks, Nancy! I was hoping someone would expand on my “bubble”! 😎 Their English sounds so much like someone in India practicing, surfing the web while we are asleep, hoping to do something that we do not want them to do. Creeps me out!

        Since this was my first visit to your site, I couldn’t tell if you really didn’t know what “weblog” meant or not. Prolly should have just not commented until I knew you better!

        I love that my blog catches spam for me and I get to delete it in one satisfying whack. Take that, you English-faking bots!

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