I hate people who sigh and say “I’m never HUNGRY in the summer. It’s so HOT. I ALWAYS lose weight.”

Oh yeah?

I’m always eating in the summer (who said hunger has anything to do with it?), when it’s hot, I need ice-cream, and I ALWAYS gain weight.

For this reason, I have never invested in a digital scale in the country. In the city, I weigh myself obsessively, to the tenth of a pound. But here, I have an old-fashioned spring-scale. I already know it’s low — but even though I mentally add two pounds to whatever it says, I do like seeing that lower number. Plus, when I tilt my head just so and see those little black lines at the right angle, I lose three pounds. Just like that.

It’s a delusion, I know, but a happy one. Until today.

Today, I got on the digital scale at the gym. Notice I was at the gym. I ran four miles on Saturday, three miles on Monday, and still went to the gym today. And though I’ve been feeling a little flabbier in the middle, I didn’t think things were that bad.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA. (Do you get it? It’s diabolical laughter.)

Today the digital scale said I have gained anywhere from 2.5-3 pounds. (I can’t say for sure, because it depends on whether I’m counting the post-workout, post bathroom, totally naked weigh-in, or the “I just woke up weigh-in,” or the I’m about to go out so I’ll weigh myself so I’ll eat less weigh in, or the ever popular “I need a little dose of self-loathing” weigh in.) Either way (weigh?) it’s a gain.

Now 2.5-3 pounds may not sound like a lot to some of you. And to you I say — I don’t give a crap if it doesn’t sound like a lot to you. For me, a three pound weight gain takes me from “Gee it would be nice to lose 6-7 pounds” to “I really need to lose ten pounds.” Not good. Not good at all.

So what did I do? I had a frozen boca burger (tasty, actually) and a tomato for lunch. (Anyone have any ideas for the surplus of tomatoes in the garden? And if you say “with fresh mozzarella” I will find you, deep fry you, and eat you for a snack.) Then, for dinner, I will have a Weight Watchers Salted Cardboard Entree. (I mean frozen. Did I write salted cardboard?) And as a snack, later tonight while I watch the impossibly perfect bodied Olympians compete, a bowl of bran cereal.

Why bran cereal? That way, tomorrow morning, I can do the post-workout, post bathroom, totally naked weigh-in on my own scale, tilt my head just so, and I’ll have lost five pounds. Just like that.