There are hundreds of social media experts out there, and thousands of rules. There are SEO experts who will tell you the rules to follow to optimize your blog’s visibility, Twitter experts who will explain rules of how to get more followers, Facebook aficionados who know the difference between a page and a profile, and the rules for using each.
And hidden among those 1000’s of rules are the ones that really matter: the social media truths. No rules. No “what to do’s.” Just the plain, unvarnished, indisputable truth about social media.
Social Media Truth #1: If you sit down to Twitter before you go to the gym, you won’t make it to the gym.
Twitter is a big, giant time suck. By the time you realize an hour has gone by, you’ll no longer have time to go to the gym. And depending on who you are, that’s either an excellent excuse, or a big bummer.
Social Media Truth #2: There is such a thing is TMTI: Too Much Tweeted Information. No one wants to read your Tweets from the bathroom, or from the bedroom, for that matter. No one needs to be tweeted from the delivery room between contractions. And do you honestly think we need to know the gory details of your yeast infection/athlete’s foot/other gross affliction? No. We don’t.
Social Media Truth #3: If you tweet, or update your Facebook status during your child’s basketball game, you will miss him or her sinking the final basket to win the championship game 37 to 36.
It always happens when you’re not looking.
Social Media Truth #4: If you pity-like someone on Facebook, they will write inanities on your wall EVERY DAY forever and ever. And since you’re the kind of person who pity-likes people in the first place that leads me to….
Social Media Truth #5: If you pity-like someone on Facebook, you will never have the heart to unlike them, no matter how annoying they are.
You FB liked that annoying guy from High School because you felt guilty for still thinking of him, all these years later, as “that annoying guy from high school.” Now, he’s that annoying guy on Facebook. Nice work.
Social Media Truth #6: If to you, getting poked only means someone said hi via Facebook, you’re on Facebook too much.
Social Media Truth #7: Your virtual friends will always be there for you…because they don’t have to be anywhere for you. They can be wherever they are. If they had to show up, you might find out they aren’t as “there” as you thought they were.
It’s the existential social media truth. Eat your heart out Jean Paul Sartre.
Social Media Truth #8: If you can find the octothorpe on your computer without looking at the keyboard, but you don’t even know what the word octothorpe means, you need to get off social media for a moment and get to a library. Read a book, dude. Seriously. (it’s this thing “#” by the way)
Social Media Truth #9: Unless you’re tweeting to raise money for a charity or awareness about something essential to the betterment of mankind, asking people to “please RT” is the social media equivalent of Melissa Leo’s ill-conceived “For Your Consideration” Oscar ads.
Social Media Truth #10: If every time anything happens to you, your first thought is to post it, tweet it, or Facebook it, you need to get out more.
If the only people who care that you won a Nobel/got engaged/had a baby/baked a cake are virtual friends, you’re gonna be really out of luck when you need actual people to show up for the Nobel ceremony/baby shower/birthday party.
Social Media Truth #11: If you chose a profile picture that doesn’t look anything like you, this will backfire.
How will it backfire? You will meet people, and immediately see the “I thought she was better looking” look on their face. You will show up somewhere and someone will say “I thought you were younger.” You will start to think you really do look like the profile picture version of yourself and be gravely disappointed when you see a picture of your real, true self.
Social Media Truth #12: If, one day, you (or a friend of yours) post embarrassing pictures of you on Facebook, that will be the day every person you ever knew will decide to find out what ever happened to you. And they will think that what happened to you is that you turned into a horrible lush too stupid to realize that once it’s up on Facebook, it’s there forever.
Got any more Social Media truths? Lay ’em on me!
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