From Hip To Housewife

Ok. So he didn’t really change his slogan. He might as well have.

I mean, far be it from me to accuse a decorated war hero of being less than patriotic…but does anyone out there really believe that McCain was thinking “Country First” when he picked the TOTALLY unprepared (albeit quite perky) Sarah Palin as his running mate? I think not. I think it was out with Country First and in with Campaign First. And now that Palin is being exposed as the underinformed lightweight that she is (thanks, Katie) I think McCain should dump her and pick someone new as his running mate. I’ve already nominated myself and Anna Faris, but here are a few more suggestions:

1. David Hasselhoff

Hey, this guy could really shore up our foreign relations. Not only do they love The Hoff in Germany, but he’s a HUGE hit in — well, everywhere. This is a quote from his own social network (and any guy with his own social network knows how to use “the Google” for sure.)

In my travels round (sic) the world I have always been surprised that no matter where I go people recognize and know me, from Europe, Australia and India to the Philippines and the Zulu Nation in South Africa. This got me thinking… I realized that while two people from two entirely different countries and backgrounds may seem to have nothing in common, the only thing they might have in common is me.

He’s not just looking out his window at other countries, people in other countries are looking at him — in a bathing suit! The Hoff even knows about The Zulu Nation!!

Plus, we all know he makes measured, fair decisions. His judgment is sound. Haven’t you seen him on America’s Got Talent?

2. Elmo

Who could not like Elmo? World leaders would find him so darn cute they’d put aside petty complaints like our unfounded invasions of other countries, the war crimes perpetrated against detainees in Abu Gharaib and GTMO, and our infliction of Paris Hilton on the world at large.

He’s excellent at teaching all about cooperation, this guy could reach right across the aisle with his furry little hand.  Also, remember all that hullabaloo about the Alaska governor’s private jet? Elmo doesn’t need a jet! Just fold him up, put him in a suitcase, and you’re set to go.

Of course, having a president with a puppet as VP would take some adjusting. We’re so used to it being the other way around.

3. Bullwinkle.

For all those deeply disturbed by Palin’s propensity for mooseburgers. This guy IS a moose! The Anti-Palin incarnate!!

4. Glinda the Good Witch

There’s just something about Palin that reminds me of Glinda. So if McCain chooses her (and yes, I know she’s fictional….this whole exercise is fictional…do you really think I think McCain is going to believe that The Hoff knows anything abou the Zulu nation?) Anyway — if McCain chooses Glinda, he’ll have a change, but he’ll still have a perky, can-do, kinda gal. And the similarities don’t end there:

• Like Palin, Glinda flies. Granted, the Good Witch flies without a helicopter or assault rifle, and instead of killing defenseless little furry creatures, she saves defenseless little munchkin creatures…but let’s not nitpick, shall we?
• In the face of difficulty, Glinda doesn’t blink. She may flutter her eyelashes a lot, but she doesn’t blink. Did you see her take on The Wicked Witch of the West? You can’t blink.  You just can’t.
• Palin is kept from the media in a protective bubble. Glinda travels in an actual bubble.

The similarities are mind-boggling!

5. Tina Fey

This one is a no-brainer.  She does a pitch perfect impression of Palin…but she has a brain!! It’s Palin without Palin! All the perkiness, all the spunk, she even wears glasses! Plus, if things ever get awkward on an international visit, she can always do a comic riff to loosen things up a bit. An added bonus…she’s friends with Alec Baldwin. Much better than that snow-mobiling hick the real Palin hangs around with.

There you have it. A comprehensive, vetted list of a “vast variety” (to quote Scary Sarah) replacements for Sarah Palin should McCain choose to dump her at this late date. (As if!) They all have name recognition, they all know have experience handling the “gotcha media,” and they all have at least as much claim on the job as Palin.

I hope he picks David Hasselhoff, though.  He’s got that really cool car! Kitt is way better than a motorcade. It’s even got artificial intelligence. So it’ll fit right in with the rest of the Republican administration. The Maverick and The Hoff. Makes as much sense as anything else that’s been happening this election. I like it.

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