Earlier this week my post about how to behave at a Broadway Show got a lot of attention when the lovely now-they’re-my-best-friends people at WordPress chose it for Freshly Pressed, their daily pick of the 10 most comment-worthy posts on the nearly 240,000 blogs housed there. I got a lot of hits (nearly 3000), a lot of comments, and quite a few crazies. Herewith, an analysis of the craziest comment of them all.
The comment came from a guy named Ed. And this was his opening line.
So you ended up being just a mother.
Just another mother, like a chimp, a cow, an elephant, a whale, just another mother, like an insect, or an octopus, or a worm. Just another sad mother.
The guy had me laughing already. What a jokester he must be. And quite a laugh at family gatherings.
He went on to give his insightful commentary on how others must feel about my motherhood.
Your kids will not thank you, your husband will not like you, your own mother will pity you for making her own same mistake.
Just another mother.
Somehow, I don’t think he and his mom have the best relationship. I’m very intuitive. That’s how I know.
Next, the lovely Ed waxes poetic about “parental-brain-atrophy-syndrome” (ooh! ten dollar words! can my mom-brain take it?!) I won’t bore you with his entire oeuvre, just a summary. I’ve biologically dumbed down my brain. My life is “dirt and feces.” Blah blah blah. Again, just guessing here, but do you think that our friend Ed may have some slight socialization problems?
Motherhood, according to Eddie-poo, has doomed me to “a life of dandruff and diseases, vaccine and lice, high school and drool.” Poor Ed. Sounds like his High School years were pretty tough. What with the drooling and all. Kind of makes it hard to get a date. I can imagine the phone call:
“Hi, Susie? This is Ed? You know, from your science class?….What? Yeah, that’s me. The one with the bib.”
When you’re in High School, you hate your mother, and you have a drooling problem, chances are, you didn’t get a prom date. Which may explain this next choice tidbit from my friend Ed’s comment.
You lost your dignity through your open legs, first inwards and then outwards, first-in-first-out, garbage-in-garbage-out, a boomerang of boredom.
Wow. I don’t believe I have ever heard a man describe sex in quite that way. Especially the penis as garbage analogy. Most men I know think of the penis as the pinnacle of perfection, the private part of pleasure, the….well, perhaps I’m getting carried away. But the comment does make me wonder if Ed’s lack of a prom-date problem may have led to him missing out on sex all together. Which would explain a lot.
After a bit more poetic rambling about my “loss” and how I’ve chosen “prison voluntarily” (guess his Mommy dearest kept him locked in his room most of the time. Thanks, Mom, for keeping away from the rest of us as long as you did!), he devolves into crazy Virgin Mary inexplicabilities.
“…Virgin Mary you are not, because Mary was not a Virgin, and you are not a Mary.“
This last line really bummed me out. For while he may be a psychopath, Ed is no dummy. His psychotic ramblings up to this point were positively literary! Also, how crazy do you have to be to find MARITAL sex sinful? Poor Ed. Destined to a life of unrequited love for an inflatable girl.
In fairness to Ed (though why I think he deserves fairness is beyond me), his comment ended up in Spam – which means he didn’t necessarily direct it at me – just at any blog having anything at all to do with motherhood. Though I guess I’m not really helping Ed out here. This means that he sent this psychotic crap out to a number of women.
And some of them might not have found him quite as amusing as I.
Ed winds down with this serial-killer-esque gem:
You were manipulated into just another life wasted on the heap of trash of a lost humanity dedicated to popular procreation and proletarian proliferation, to please the leaders of a domain of plebeians.
Hey! Ed knows all about alliteration. What a positively perfect position for a psychopath who preaches to parents!
Although this whole last passage makes me wonder if Ed even knows where babies come from. “Popular Procreation? Well, yeah. Of course it’s popular. It’s sex. And here’s a newsflash for you, Ed: most people come from the procreative act. Except of course, you, Ed. (now now – we don’t want to upset to upset the crazy man!)
Ed ends with this little gem.
Good bye, sad mothers, good bye, old cows, with dried-out utters and distorted hips, good bye, and so alone you all will die.
Good bye to you, too, Ed. Goodbye to what’s left of your sanity. And hello crazy-hood! You’re finally where you belong.
I just hope there aren’t any other people wherever that is. Because, you know, they might all have…..MOTHERS!