Today, I got this email from my brother:
Gee willikers, wasn’t
whizbang show ole Sarah put on. Gosh oh golly she was great. What a
nifty VP she’ll make, dontcha think?
For those of you who aren’t from New York: that’s called sarcasm.
Because while Sarah Palin didn’t humiliate herself, didn’t fumble, didn’t tell anyone she’d “get back to” ’em. She also didn’t impress anyone (certainly not my brother, a proud, card carrying, ivy-educated member of the East Coast Elite) with the depth of her intellect and understanding. Still, give credit where credit is due. It was a great performance. I can’t wait to see how she does in the evening gown portion of the event.
What my brother doesn’t know is, and what secret sources have recently revealed to this blogger, is that that wasn’t really Sarah Palin up there. It was (scary music sting) STEPFORD SARAH.
Whereas most candidates are coached before a debate, Sarah Palin was, quite literally, programmed, evidently by a former writer of that great American show, Hee-Haw. Stepford Sarah was programmed in folksy overdrive. I half expected her to ask for a break so she could check on the RV she had parked outside, grab a brewsky, and make sure she didn’t let down her bowling league on their big night.
Lord knows I’m fair and impartial, so I’ll admit that Joe Biden was working the working class thing, too. But at least when he said “working class” there was a “g” at the end of the word.
I have done some quick mathematical calculation of the folksiness quotient of each of the debators. You’ll see that it clearly shows that Sarah Palin was folksier by a quotient of Chuckie Cheese³.
I scored Sarah Palin as follows:
- For every dontcha, betcha or darn Right 3 folksy points.
- For every “ing” ending without the “g” 3 points.
- Every “this great country of ours” or “across this great nation” 5 points
- Every mention of “regular folks like me” 5 points
- Every Wink directly to the camera 10 poin ts
Joe Biden was scored this way:
- Every mention of Scranton PA 3points
- Every reference to “people in my neighborhood” 3 points
- For Pained smiles in reaction to a nonsensical answer by Palin 5 points
- Every “God love ’em” 5 points
- For gentlemanly (sexist?) restraint 10 point
So IF – FPE=Folksy Points Earned, HH= Hee Haw and OMG= I can’t believe this is really happening THAN:
HH/folksy x darntootin’ + (can I call you Joe?-I’m gonna grab your elbow) x (2008 + OMG²) =FPE
Sarah Palin gets 397.92 Folsky Points to Joe Biden’s 32.7. Clearly, Palin wins on Folksiness alone.
Too bad they’re not having more debates. I was hoping to get to see Stepford Palin as The Bionic Woman. She could carefully put her hair behind her ears, break the knuckles of those who shake her hand, and be glamorous, tough, and sappy all at once. Or maybe we could have seen Palin in Bundy mode – all inappropriate jokes and scatalogical references, as in “Oh, that Ahmendinijad, he’s just a poopy! We’ll wipe him out! Get it? (wink wink)” What I really would have liked to see was Game Show Contestant mode. Oh wait — we did see that. Last night. She was in Hee Haw Game Show Mode. All she needed was a hat with a tag on it, a moderator with a monochramatic fashion sense, and a buzzer to smack when she let go with a Whammy! and we’d be in Hog Heaven. Dontcha know?